Hurt Kids

This is Sugar Monkey.  He always reminds me of a coin.  On one side, he is the MONSTER LOVER OF KISSES, will hug you infinitely, talks in a sweet voice, wants some candy or sweet thing to munch on, and will snuggle on up with you.  I LOVE that side.

On the other side, the flip side, he's  . . . well, . . . he's quite a bit like a two-year-old hankering for a spanking. 

Thanks to our marvelous family counselor, which side of Sugar Monkey we get is no longer as random as a coin toss, and no longer as split as 50/50.  In fact, the more we learn how to love our little man better, we see 'the flip side' slowly disappearing.  Woot woot!

Here's what we've learned about our hurt little boys:
      *  If you love on them the right way, they get better. 
          It's a bit like moving a boulder, but it's completely do-able.
      *  How their pain is evidenced throughout their lives still continues to boggle my mind.  I'm  
          always looking at our counselor and learning, 'oh!  This is part of his attachment issues, too?'
      *  Choose your battles.  Their heart is what's at stake -- not their manners, or their behavior in
          school (those are all BIG, don't miss what I'm saying) but his heart and soul are the foundation
          we need to focus on.
      *  Loving a hurt kid will undo your type-a personality, and your micromanaging, overly ordered
          way of thinking.  I have this need to be in control, of everything.  It's not healthy.  And heaven 
          knows God is using these two little boys to help me learn to let go.
     *  What people think of you, your parenting, and your child is not important.  Whoa.  Take it in. 
          People aren't used to dealing with hurt little ones.  They think in terms of the standard model
          of development and when you're kid isn't a cookie-cutter of the other kids -- well, judging eyes
          might follow you around.  But you have to guard that precious heart of yours and just know
          that you might still be undoing what had been done the first years of your child's life.  And
          that's more than okay -- that's magnificent.  So instead of wasting time getting others to
          understand, just walk along and do what God has ordained you to do -- love your precious
         child. 
     *  Never stop learning.  Yeah, we know you took those classes before you adopted.  But until it's
          right there in your kitchen pitching a fit, then half the things you heard about, you probably 
          forgot.  Keep going to attachment classes; keep reading those adoption books.  Keep meeting
          up with other foster and adoptive moms or dads.  Don't think you've got it.  Because unless
          you're a family counselor, or have some otherwise appropriate degree, the rabbit hole of hurt
          goes deeper than what we think we understand.  Promise.
     *  Focus on the positive. (More on that in a coming post!)

Oh!  Time to pick my kids up from school!  Yippee!


** When I mention, "the right way" earlier, I mean that we don't just love our adoptive kids the same way we love our biological kids.  They need more.  And if you learn how to love them to meet their social and developmental needs, then the floodgates of potential and promise pour out from there.  :)