Adopting moms and dads from all over the globe will share stories of the first time they met their child. Some will say things like the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were my little boy. Or they might say things like when your foster mom placed you in my arms, I just knew that you were my baby forever. When I think back to my little boys, I remember when our adoption agency first let us know that these little brothers were ours. That was it. Any obstacle that fell in our way, any delay in bringing them home had to be, must be, conquerable because those guys were our guys. They were our babies regardless of what the law had yet determined or what roads and bridges we still had to cross.
The moment we first met our boys, we saw them from twenty feet away. We ran to them, and they to us, as though time and space had already separated our family for far too long. They fell into our arms like it was a moment from a fairy tale. They had seen our pictures as we had see theirs. They had hoped in us the way we had hoped in them.
And even though the beginning of our story was marvelous, it wasn't long before we knew that our two little guys had been through more change and upheaval than any little boys their age should have ever been through. Each time we visited (and we visited many times before the end), we stayed in a hotel together, and I remember how very difficult it was to get through our meals in the hotel restaurant because it was too hard to wait the 15 minutes before our food arrived, because one of the pair (they always take turns, even now) was always on the verge of a complete breakdown. When Ray and I were there, we had endurance! We had perseverance! Our visits could only last for a handful of days, so we were at the top of our game for the whole of the long weekend.
But when we finally got home and the adrenaline had run out,
but the behaviors and the meltdowns hadn't,
we knew intentional bonding strategies needed to take place.
Bonding is a process of two sides: it's joining your adult heart to the child's, and it's joining the child's heart to yours. Both are important and both sides need to be considered.
What I want to talk about today is the adult end of the deal. Because, regardless of the child's age, dealing with behaviors (whether it's a non-stop crying baby, a biting and thrashing preschooler, a punching and aggressive preteen, or a withdrawn and emotional teen), it's all HARD.
We imagine this perfect family with the mini van and the hugs.
We imagine a grateful child and ourselves as grateful parents.
We imagine fishing with our son, getting manicures with our daughters,
sleepovers for our children, and holding hands when we walk through the parking lots.
But sometimes what we actually receive is not this beautiful picture, but instead a very broken one. Then we have to ask ourselves this crucial set of questions:
1) Is our goal and motive for having a family for self-fulfillment only, primarily?
2) Is our goal for our child to be 'normal'? What is our hope for our child?
3) What role do the opinions of others place on our hearts?
4) Can we let go of the imagine of perfection and trade it in for what's real?
5) Can we see our role as parents the way God sees his role as our Father? (i.e. forgiveness, mercy, guidance --with a goal of salvation and maturity, not job status, manners or other human determinations on the value or significance of a life?)
If you're in it for the long-haul then here are some tips for how to bond YOUR heart to theirs. Keep posted for the flip side of this and we're talking about bonding THEIR hearts; that post is coming soon.
1. Take pictures
It doesn't matter if they are with your phone camera, or with the latest high-tech Nikon. If you take pictures, all the time, and look back on them at the end of the day, then those smiles (even if there were only 3 in the whole day) look precious. Pouting lips can be kind of adorable. Sleeping baby is oh-so-darling. Preteen or teen reading or doing homework fills your heart with pride.
In the tasks of the day our hearts become bombarded with the bad behaviors our kids exhibit. We get weighed down by the crying, or the anger, or the constant frustration.
But pictures help us forget the bad and remember the 5 seconds of good that happened -- the 5 seconds of sweetness that we otherwise would have forgotten.
2. Remember the five senses
It sounds kind of dumb, but it's the way we make memories. We're rushing through the Walmart parking lot holding our little one's hand. Take a moment and think: how soft is his little hand?! how small are her little fingers in mine? how sweet is his little voice when he asks questions?
Or when you're getting ready to do mealtime prayers with your teen -- think how grown up he's already getting. Listen to how deep his voice is becoming, feel how strong his hands are now.
For the baby, smell that sweet smell of Johnson's baby shampoo, or listen to the sweet sounds of the baby as she drinks from the bottle or sucks her little thumb.
The moments pass by quickly, so when they are there, you have to intentionally savor them.
3. Pray together for the child
I pray a similar prayer for my sons each night before bed. You can obviously adapt it for whatever age child you have, but the act of praying aloud helps my boys to know my hopes for them. It reminds me of my hopes for them. It appeases some of my own anger, the way only prayer does. And it asks for God's intervention, which is our only hope.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I ask you to watch over little All-Star as he sleeps. Help him to rest knowing that You are always with him, wherever he goes. I thank you for how You brought him into our family and how I know You are changing all of us everyday to love each other better. Wrap Your arms around him and help him to grow up into the man You would have him be. Be with the little girl who he will one day marry and help her to know You and grow in You every day. (This makes my sons giggle). We love You with all of our hearts. Amen.
4. Do fun things YOU like to do (together)
Do you like going to the movies? Take your kids to the movies and have a good time together.
Do you like getting ice cream? -- Make that a weekly treat together.
Huge Starbucks fan? Take your child to get an apple fritter or a cake pop there!
Little eating dinner out? Go!
Sometimes we become trapped in fear that our kids are going to act out when we go into public. Yes, we need to do things that our children like, but that's another blog post away. Don't give up the things you like to do out of fear. You don't have to make the child do what you do: if you love soccer, and your kid's a book worm, then go play and let your child sit in the stands reading. If you love ice cream and your kid is allergic to dairy, grab him a brownie and love on your ice cream!
Our kids' worlds can become really small because of how their fear prevents them from doing so many of the things we like to do. But that doesn't mean that your world has to be equally small. Make adjustments. Find a restaurant that's kind of quiet, or that has a back room you can use for just your family. Adjust, but don't give up all the things you love because it's harder than it used to be.
5. Make a life book
Really. We all learn we should make one when we go through classes before an adoption. If you hadn't heard about it, or have forgotten it, a life book is a private book solely for your child and whomever your child wants to share it. It's the story of his or her life: including the information you know about past foster families, the birth family, the biological and adoptive parents and siblings. You're putting the pieces together of a fragmented life and making it cohesive again. The benefit of it is that in working on it, you are reminded of where he or she has come from (which we forget when in this midst of rages and fits), it is you doing something that will be a blessing for the child (which warms your heart), and it helps YOU as well as the child to focus on the positive moments and events.
6. Touch
This is especially harder when you have a teenager because they don't naturally come to you for snuggles, but try to set yourself a numeric goal for how many times you touch one another in the day. Maybe today, I want to try to touch my child in some way 10 times. This isn't something grand and dramatic, but might be as little as a shoulder pat when you walk by, or a kiss on the forehead. It could be a little nudge at the dinner table or a high-five when something good has happened. The therapeutic properties of touching are astounding, and it's remarkable how well we can avoid touching or making contact when we aren't bonded with another person. Setting daily goals, increasing those goals, and being intentional about trying to make physical contact are great ways to bond.
** As a side note, when my youngest is very angry, (and I'm not too angry to have forgotten), I have him hold my hand (while he's in the corner and while looking at me as I think of how to deal with the problem. I start to calm down and so does he. It's kind of magical.
7. Smile
When life is hard, we stop smiling. I'm not trying to tell you to fake it. That doesn't do anyone any good. BUT if you can try to smile, it physically affects your own heart. For instance, if your kids have been experiencing numerous behaviors and your worn out, but they have been sent to their bedroom, or they're outside playing while you make dinner. Take a few minutes and just PRACTICE smiling to yourself while you cook. No one is there watching and it is really therapeutic. Then, when your child returns from outside or wherever, try to greet that child with a smile -- even if it just lasts five seconds. It makes a difference.
8. Do little gestures
Everyday try to do something sweet for your child. Cut her sandwich into a heart shape for lunch, or stick a post-it into his school agenda saying, "Good luck on the test today!" Make meals fun -- like having a finger-food snack lunch, or make dinner rolls shaped like bunnies. Search Pinterest for ideas, but keep trying. It may not always go over the way you imagine that it will, but each time you try, it feels good in your heart. That's big. And even if only half of them mean something to your child, that's something!
9. Keep an accountability log
My husband is a teacher. Not just any teacher, but a great teacher. He once read a book by Parker Palmer called, The Courage to Teach. The idea was that when students said unkind things or made your weeks and months worth of preparation feel like an utter failure (because they are keenly built to be able to do that with some eye rolls, and sarcasm), then our tendency as humans is to take a step back and put up a wall. You can't do that as a teacher and you can't do that as a parent. It's the path to losing. You have to have the courage to take the next day with another brave step forward.
How can you do that as a parent? Keep a list. Every day right down one way that you TRIED. It's not a list of begrudging your child like, "I picked up his dirty clothes off the floor again and he didn't even notice." That's going to send you down a defeatist path.
Instead, make a list that looks like:
3/15 Set up a playdate with Mark
3/16 Made kids a super-cool choco-mint smoothie for the holiday weekend
3/17 Had movie night with popcorn
Get the idea? If you can start the list, it will keep you focused on making each day intentional. And when we DO sweet things, then sweetness fills our hearts. The more we're choosing to love, the more love begins to fill our hearts. But we keep on choosing, no matter what.
10. Get breaks
It sounds silly to say that getting time away from your kid is going to help you LOVE your kid, but it's the truth. When you're away from anything, you start to think about the good aspects with some sentiment and nostalgia. Not only that, but your heart can have a little time to do some restoration if it's been under fire.
We all need breaks. But when you're parenting a hurt kid, you need to be intentional about planning breaks. Once a six weeks will not do. So involve your close friends and family, hire a babysitter if you can. Make a plan and act on it. So that you can take care of you.
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