As I mentioned in my post last week, one of the major components for bonding has to do with utilizing the five senses. Our senses are what make memories, they are primal, and they reach the deepest parts of our psyches. Activities where our five senses are involved are the richest experiences we have. Let me walk through what I mean briefly.
-- Sight: We want to be looking into one another's eyes. I don't mean that everything has to be the staring game, although the staring game is a super-fun example if you are dealing with younger school-aged children. I do, however, mean that we are fully paying attention. I'm not multitasking and listening, while working on dinner. I'm actually focused in, looking straight into my child's eyes with interest, as he talks.
-- Listening: We want to encourage activities where we are actively listening to one another. Much like a game of Mother-May-I?, we are not just talking to one another, but we're paying CLOSE attention to what each of us are saying.
-- Touch: I mentioned this last week, but touch has amazing healing properties that we don't completely understand. The more we touch one another, with shoulder pats, holding hands, back rubs at night, hugs, high-fives, the more we are connecting our hearts together. When there is distance in our hearts, it becomes easy to avoid touching one another, and we have to be conscious of that exact problem, actively guarding against it.
-- Smell: Activities that involve smells work their way deep into our memories, so activities involving food, the outdoors, lotions really are important. Activities do not have be games, but can even be routines such as putting on lotion after baths, or using therapeutic oils.
-- Taste: Not to encourage poor manners, but activities or games that involve taste are important as well. Playing games with food can be hilarious ways to reach into the deep recesses of our brains.
The only other aspect I want to add before I explain my top bonding strategies is that no matter which activity you choose or create, you need to know that it only counts as bonding if it's a positive, and even playful event. If you're fighting or frustrated, then those negative feelings come through. I liken it to the way that dogs can feel their owners fear and uncertainty through the leash on a walk. You might not think it's coming through, but if your dog senses your uneasiness, then she will be uneasy as you pass through the tests of meeting other dogs, staying calm near passing vehicles, etc. When doing bonding activities, you need to have fun. It's imperative.
Now for my Top Strategies:
1) Nighttime routine: When we had a teenager in our house, which was a semi-fostering arrangement, we said goodnight to him before my husband and I went to our bedroom for the night. I would hug him. It wasn't anything dramatic, but it was physical touch, it was routine. I smiled; he smiled. It was a beginning.
My little boys have much longer routines, but my oldest likes to have his back rubbed as I sing him a song. It wears me out because by bedtime, I'm ready to be done with the day, but it is so important to him. It's not a happy good night if I don't sing him lullabies and rub his back.
My littlest likes to lie down and have my lift his head and arms into my lap into a make-shift, big-boy swaddle and we talk about the day as we snuggle together. I look deep into his eyes and we try to talk about only the best parts of the day and what we are looking forward to for tomorrow. He gets a gleeful look in his eyes each night, as though these moments are the very best.
2) Popcorn Toss: This game always feels weird to me because I'm a girl, and the only ones I've ever tossed popcorn to are my dogs. But the boys LOVE it. There's lots of eye contact, food that you catch in your mouth, and tons of giggling! Obviously, this game only works with school age and up, as you don't want to create choking hazards for little ones, but you could easily modify this with having a little child choose which hand a jelly bean is in and letting her eat it when she chooses correctly!
3) Walks: Doing any kind of exercise together gives you time, free of distractions, to talk and engage one another. It's outdoors so there's lots of smells, and exciting things you can look at together. You might hold hands while you're walking, or laugh as you see them running ahead. We have a walking trail in our town where we can stop and skip rocks in the river, climb boulders and play, look over bridges at fish and more. But the idea is that we're doing it together. I don't drop them at the park and sit from the bench -- that's disengaged, the opposite of what we want. Instead, we're exploring life together.
4) Cooking: This works for all sorts of ages because you could make something like play dough, make cookies, or learn how to make dinner depending upon how old your child is. But cooking is a great hands-on, smell-filled, delicious way to do something fun WITH your child. The only element that might take away is if you're not focused on bonding. If you're cooking dinner while helping your child make play dough, you're too distracted for this to count as bonding. If you're in a hurry to get the cookies in the oven, so that you can get back to something else, you're too distracted for this to count. Bonding is intentional, focused time together. You have to make sure that whatever you're doing is a means to accomplishing intentional, focused time together.
5) Movie nights: Again, this can be adapted for almost any child over 2. Although for the little ones, it might be movie half-hour, instead of movie night. My kids LOVE me sitting with them (and really snuggling beside them) while watching a movie. Lots of time these days I don't sit with them when they watch TV. It's after dinner, and they watch ridiculously bad TV like Power Rangers, and I have things to do. You know how it goes. But on Fridays, we might grab a redbox movie, pop some popcorn, and snuggle under a blanket together while we spend 2 solid hours with food smells, and tastes, and touching. My niece of 2 years old, can have the same experience with a little cup of cheerios, and one 10-minute episode of Little People. It's not about the length of time, it's about the quality of time.
6) The Special Handshake: Thank you to our family counselor for this one, but we have a special version of high-five with each kid. It might be two fist-pumps and 2 snaps; or high fives up high, down low, etc. They love it because it's a unique connection with their parent. It's also great because it can be adapted to all different ages.
There's really no limit as to what you can do as a means to bond. You simply have to have fun, be intentional, and use your senses. If those are met, then real bonding can occur.
Make a plan to do large and small bonding activities every day.
It's quite fascinating to realize how many behaviors our children exhibit that are rooted in attachment problems. If we focus on the attachment, then we can make great strides in the behaviors. It's all about being intentional.
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