Part 1 -- Dr. Karyn Purvis: My Notes

The session was actually called -- Nurturing the Whole Child: Trust-Based Relational Intervention.  You gain a lot from the title, really.  Essentially, I just want to unashamedly pour out my notes from the breakout session out Summit 9.  Dr. Karyn Purvis lead the session and it's one that she does routinely at Summit.  She's a forefront leader in behavioral psychology among children from "hard places."  If you want to follow some of her posts for parents, you can do that HERE.  But I'm going to go ahead and begin with my scribbles.

**I'm going to go ahead and offer my disclaimer:  I'm NOT Dr. Karyn Purvis, and what I'm going to share is what I got out of her session.  They may not be verbatim quotations, or a full-account of everything she said.  Merely, the following is a recounting from me through the chicken-scratch notes that I took during active listening and fervent writing.

All of this can be found in The Connected Child.  You should read this book.

Hard Places -- this is a term that Dr. Karyn Purvis uses frequently. I may be incorrect in assuming she coined it.  But she uses it to describe our children and defines it as: a difficult pregnancy or birth, a medical emergency after birth, abuse, neglect, or trauma to children during these early formative years.

She talked about how we begin by meeting the physical needs -- the way that Jesus raises a man's daughter from the Bible and immediately says that she needs to be given food.  But we don't stop at just the physical.  We have to be careful not to view a child as on a spiritual being, or an emotional being, or a physical being -- but view the WHOLE child, addressing all his/her needs.

There are 3 sets of principles that we need to focus on in order to help heal our children:  Empowering, Connecting and Correcting.

1.  Correcting -- should only be done about 10% of the time we have with our children.  If correcting is the primary aspect of our relationship, then the relationship is unstable.  If you do have to correct, talk SLOW.  Our kids, when they feel shame, fear, frustration -- they can go into flight, fight or freeze mode.  We need to talk slow and then encourage the kids to use words in order to give them voice, and help give them control and power.

2.  Empowering -- meeting physical needs.  This should be done 20% of the time.
67% of all your communication with any individual is tone of voice.  You can change brain chemistry through: eye contact, smiling, tone of voice, touch.

Kids need water every two hours.  Glutamate can get low in the body and cause aggression.  Hydration is key.

Insulin receptive sensors can be damaged in the brain -- giving kids food every two hours helps regulate the body.  Some physical activity should be done every two hours as well.

3.  Connecting -- should be done 70% of the time.  This is about their spirit, and their emotional connection to us.

She showed clips from, A Sensory World, which is a DVD that TCU produced.  I love all the things she does in the video to model connecting.  She has the kids hold hands with her when they talk together.  And she tells them to give her 'good eyes.'  Our kids need help connecting, and helping to encourage good eye contact is one way to do that.

If you watch the video, you really see her in action using the connecting and empowering to help the kids work through so many significant issues.  It's pretty remarkable.

I have more to post . . .

Reading, Reading, Reading

So I just returned from Summit 9 in Nashville, TN.  My head is spinning.  It doesn't help that my life has been flipped upside down by a new job that keeps me hopping, and hours that are making my husband feel like he's a stay-at-home-dad.  Life utterly feels crazy, and we're beginning a new normal.  But change is hard.  And it's harder on little ones from "hard places." 

I want to sit down and just share with you all my notes from some of the key sessions for parents of foster children or adopted children.  I have pages to sift through and that's the plan for the next post -- just to share what I gleaned from listening to experts in the field. Copyrights thrown out the window.  I scribbled away during the sessions, and I'm ready to share what I learned.

Meanwhile, I just want to pass along two new books that I picked up.  At some point, I just need to give you a whole book list of great books to read, because I have a ton that have helped me tremendously in the past. 

And not that these two books are recently published books, they're just new to me.  But I'm excited about reading them, despite the unappealing cover of the first one (sorry, Jayne Schooler, whom I adore). 

So if you're a reader and you have kids that confuse you, go ahead and pick up these two books and we'll read them together.  Both are highly acclaimed from all the experts that I know, so I already have full confidence in whatever strategies they offer.  If you're not a reader, maybe grab the second book anyway.  You can't see it well from the picture, but the title is ACTUALLY:  The whole brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind.   So you might be able to read just a strategy at a time, if reading long chapters about brain trauma sound boring.  :) 

If you're interested, my reading list is actually a bit longer than just these two, but branches outside of just dealing with our hurt kids.  Here are some other books I've picked up to read and are a sitting beside my bed:

Unfinished
Richard Stearns
















Upended:  How Following Jesus Remakes Your Words & World
Jedd Medefind

Orphan Justice: How to Care for Orphans Beyond Adopting
Johnny Carr

Heading to Summit 9

So I'm heading out Tuesday for Summit 9!  I'm completely excited.  This is an incredible conference, if you have never been able to go before.  It's great if you are an adoptive or foster parent, and it's great if you are a social worker or ministry leader.  I love the variety of breakout sessions that are sure to educate, enlighten, and inspire!  And this year promises to exceed expectations.  In fact, CAFO (Christian Alliance for Orphans) mentioned on Facebook that we might be on the verge of crowded this year, since those buying admission tickets exceeded last year's numbers by approximately 500 people! 

The last time I went, my sweet hubby went with me along with another couple, who were helpful as we began our Empty Chair Ministry.  I was so excited when I met Dr. Karyn Purvis, leader in behavioral psychology for children from "hard places."  See my picture below (not sure where my make-up went)!  We had an amazing time.  Ray and I would meet up in the hallway between sessions and exclaim to one another: guess what I just learned!  We were completely dumb-founded at how well the sessions for adoptive parents would describe our family.  We were amazed at how much we learned about starting our own ministry.  We loved meeting new people, discovering other ministries, and feeling inspired in new ways about how we can better make a difference.

This time around, my hubby is in Guatemala at the orphanage with whom we partner!  I thought I was going alone to the conference, but I'm going to get to go with two fellow adoptive moms, and we're meeting up with two other friends at the conference!  A girls' trip! Whoohoo!

Here's what I'm looking forward to:
-- learning about how I can parent my boys better
-- the blogger's breakfast!
-- networking with leaders in the field
-- learning new ways to make a difference with our ministry, and with our Virginia alliance, 127Place
-- getting new supplies (DVDs, books, and other information to help with ministry)
-- being with great friends!

It may not sound like a lot, but the conference is AMAZING.  I didn't even mention that Steven Curtis Chapman will be there, as well as other INCREDIBLE leaders in the orphan care movement.  If you haven't gone, you should.  I'm glad that this year's conference is within driving distance.  If you're interested in going next year, stay tuned.  It takes about a month of two after the conference before they post the dates and location for next year's.  

I'll try to write while I'm there.

Adoption and Essential Oils

This is my brother and my sister-in-law.  I love them to pieces.  They adopted three little ones last year and they torture my heart by not living close enough for me to be an appropriate aunt!  Alas, they've heard my guilting and pleading, and remain 17 hours away from me nonetheless.  To their benefit, they sometimes whisper sweet words of hope in my ears of moving to a one-state-away radius.  They do this to keep my heart aflutter and stay my whining and belly-aching. 

My sister-in-law, Brittiny, has long-since been dubbed the Martha Stewart of the family.  She has some information stored away in her brain for every topic under the sun, and continually has ideas from a wide range of topics including how to organize your home, to how to create your own, chemical-free bug spray.  It's astounding, really.  She has been a fan for quite some time of doTERRA Essential Oils.  Have you heard of them?  She sells them HERE, if you're interested. 

Let's face it.  Our kids, who have been through abuse, neglect, long periods of stress and chaos, often have some resulting issues with which they deal:

having trouble sleeping
anxiety
bonding
headaches
sensory disorders
night terrors
growing pains
bed wetting
    and so much more

And there are two sides to these problems.  One is that we can sometimes feel a little helpless in what to do.  And the other is being fearful of filling our kids with a ton of Rx medicines every day.  My oldest son has headaches nearly every night.  They are almost always caused by tension and stress.  But I don't want to give him daily Tylenol.  It's not have I have any issue at all with medications, but I don't want to endanger his kidneys from daily pain killer use, and I don't want him to build a tolerance to pain killers when he's only 9 years old.

But this is what I love about essential oils.
Different oils act as home remedies for many issues that come up with my children.  And I don't have to worry about the chemical side effects.  My son, Sugar Monkey, struggles with going to sleep.  It's really a common issue for adopted kids.  Their little bodies are super-alert if they are in any level of fight/flight mode, and they often pop back awake after nightmares.  But I can use a little drop of lavender oil that reduces anxiety, and let's my little guy fall asleep quicker, and sleep better.   He loves it.  It's a little bonding moment every night at bed time when we doesn't let me forget to run a drop or two on him.  It's a smell for this oil, and the scent has become part of a ritual that he loves.

Returning to my anxiety-ridden All-Star, we use peppermint.  Most of his headaches are at bedtime.  My guess is that it's a combination of the build-up of today's stressed, mixed with the quiet to begin worrying about tomorrow.  All we need is something that will ease the headache enough for him to go to sleep and then his body will calm itself down.  Peppermint!  We rub a little on his temples, and he closes his eyes.  It is very tingly once applied, and it helps my son feel like we're doing something that will help.  And he can slowly drift off to sleep.

The oils are:

all-natural, therapeutic grade

provide sensory responses to our children's needs

help emotionally, even if their pain is more mental than physical

provide relief without harmful effects

provide a way to DO something, when you don't know what to do

Brittiny recommended THIS website as a great reference place to answer your questions about essential oils in general, and which ones can be used for which issues.  If you have any direct questions about adoption and essential oils, you can email: info@emptychairministry.com, and she can respond.

Do you use essential oils with your children?  Do you use essential oils personally?  What are your experiences?  We'd love to hear what you think!

The Brake Pedal: Don't Adopt If. . .

You would think that since I love adoption and find adoption beautiful, that I would want EVERYONE to adopt, right?  I mean let's face it -- there are so many children waiting in foster care, waiting in orphanages and group homes that it would make absolute sense to know beyond a shadow of a doubt I want EVERY. SINGLE. CHILD to be adopted.  And it would make sense to assume that if I want every single child adopted, then I would want every single person to adopt.  But if you think that, then you are surprisingly wrong!

I don't want everyone to adopt.  It's crazy, right?  But I think I can explain it well enough.  I think there are some indicators that you or your spouse might have that should at least make you want to pull the reins back and slow down that horse.  Perhaps we need to re-evaluate.  Perhaps we need to switch plans.  Perhaps we need to work through a few things and start again.

Let's just go ahead and list some fundamental reasons that may not seem inherently bad at first glance, but might be some warning signs that you should not adopt.  And I say all of this not to hurt feelings, but out of love.  And if you bare with me, I hope I can explain my heart well enough that you don't dismiss me as a loon, but rather consider what I say.

1.  You want someone to love you, always.
I get that.  We all want to be loved.  And it makes sense to think that adopting a child would fulfill that.  But it doesn't.  Healthy, normal children don't walk around all day adoring their parents.  Children begin life focused on their own needs and it's through some rather difficult parenting to help children begin to think outside themselves and be concerned with others' feelings.  But then to make things more difficult, children who have been adopted have been fundamentally hurt no matter how little you receive them.  And that hurt makes bonding and loving all the harder.  Adopting to fulfill a need within you is a ridiculously hard place to start.  Adopted kids have a need within them that needs to be filled and you can't do that from a position of need yourself.  You can only do it as an outgrowth of your stability and strength -- out of God's love being poured into you and overflowing from you.  I know it's hard to hear, but if you want to adopt so that someone will love you, it's going to set you on a path that is extremely difficult to navigate.

2.  You think it will bring you and your spouse closer.
 It makes sense.  You might think that things in the relationship are a little dicey, but if you just had that precious bundle to SHARE then it would make everything perfect.  I can see how you'd think adopting a child might make the two of you a team even stronger than you are now.

But kids don't work that way in marriages.  I hate to say it.  Kids take all of your energy.  They don't mean to, but they do.  They can't sleep well at night, and little ones are always in danger of hurting themselves.  It wears you out to follow them around all the time and listen to their childish nonsense.  If you already have little problems in your marriage, having a baby doesn't make you prioritize.  Instead it highlights the problems in bright neon yellow with flashing lights.  No one has enough patience left at the day to feel forgiving and we're all grumpier when we're not sleeping.  Responsibility is higher, stress is higher, time moves faster, chores are harder.  Parenting is HARD.  And you can't do that on weak legs; you just can't. 

3.  You are RESCUING a needy child.
Hold up.  That's what adoption IS, right?  How can this one be on the list???
Well, let me explain and you tell me if you feel like this describes you or not.  You watch those Compassion or World Vision commercials, and you see those little babies with distended bellies, and you want to just save one, right?  You imagine bringing this little one home who used to be starving, and you imagine this lovely child that is utterly thankful and grateful for all the bedding you provide, food on the table -- no matter what it is -- you imagine yourself as the rescuer.

If that's you, then tap the brakes a little bit and consider what I'm saying.
You can't just swipe up a kid from the streets and come home the hero.  I WISH IT WORKED THAT WAY!  I do.  But these kids who have been hurt and neglected and abused and alone -- they NEED.  They need more than clothes.  They need more than food.  They need more than love.
It's just not a rosy pink picture the way you might want it to be.  The worse their situation used to be, the more attention, care and treatment they need to mend.  And it's hard work.  It's just not the same thing as babysitting the kid down the street.  You see what I'm saying?  If you're someone that wanted to be that hero, that's GOOD, but it's also temporary.  The journey for this child is going to be long and hard.  And you have to decide if loving this child is really about the child.  Can you love with the kind of sacrificial, selfless, deep love that Jesus did when he died on the cross?   


4.  You imagine and want a child that will be a representation of you.
Who can help it, right?  Dads want to throw ball with their sons.  Moms want to paint their daughters fingernails, teach them how to bake, dress them in spring dresses.  We can't help it to some degree.

But what if your child hates sports, or is a tomboy?  What if you get a child that doesn't have your patience, or doesn't have your laid back attitude?

When adopting, it just can't be about you.  If you desire part of it or most of it to be about you, you may easily find yourself in a situation that you despise.  I don't want that for you, or for your child.


Here is the bottom line.  It comes back to what David Platt says, "It is important to realize we adopt not because we are rescuers.  No.  We adopt because we are rescued."  We can't adopt because we are needing anything from that child.  We can only adopt as an outgrowth of love in our hearts, and a thankfulness for what God has done for each of us.  When we adopt because we are committed to being the hands and feet of Jesus and we're ready to love until it hurts, then we're ready to bring these precious little ones into our homes.  When we're ready to give them US -- every piece of our hearts -- then we're ready. 

So where are you, my sweet friends?  What motivates you to adopt?

When my sweet husband and I began the process of adopting the first time, we wanted to have children.  And this was our way of doing that.  But when we brought our boys home, it stretched and pulled us farther than we had ever been stretched and pulled in our lives.  And we really had to discuss why we were persevering.  Some people don't make it.  And I don't want that to be you, or the little ones you adopt. 

Adoption is meant to be forever.

Easter is Adoption and Redemption

So we just celebrated Easter at the Moore house, and we had a great time.  Hopefully, you did, too!  I'm not sure how you all celebrated, but we tend to do the traditional Easter egg-dying, which I'm not sure why, except that it's fun.  My kids *love* *love* *love* to hide Easter eggs and find them.  They love dying the eggs, and subsequently eating the eggs.  It seems to me to have nothing to do with Jesus, but it's a ton of fun, so we do it anyway.

We all know, though, that Easter is NOT about eggs, or bunnies, or chocolate.

Easter is about redemption.
It's the story of our redemption as Jesus saw our extreme need, our epic failures, our inability to live life as he had directed, and the sin that had chained each of us in our unique ways.  He saw that and he made a plan to bring us to right standing with our Father. 

He said to each of us:

I love you.
I love you when you don't even know me.
I see value in you when you can't see value in yourself.
I will protect you.
I will make you mine.
We will be family.
I will count you as heirs with my son, Jesus.
I will bring you healing.

We didn't deserve it; we hadn't yet asked for it.  In fact, we didn't know we needed it.  We thought we'd be okay on our own.  We thought we could figure out this life by ourselves -- that we were strong enough, smart enough and brave enough.  And we each have our own story about how we finally realized that we weren't all the things we thought we were.  And there was Jesus.  He had already loved us, had already died for us, had already conquered death, and was waiting for us to realize that we needed Him.   

Is that the story of our children?  They don't always know their need.  They might have been placed in an orphanage, or a foster home, and they possibly thought: this is life . . .  with a hopeless resolution that life wouldn't and couldn't be better than what they had always known.  Maybe they had a dream of a family, but maybe they had given up that dream long ago.

But we had a better plan, didn't we!
We knew more about them than they knew about themselves.  We had a hope for them that possibly they didn't have for themselves.  And we loved them, loved them more than ourselves, loved them when they didn't love us, loved them despite their wounds, loved them past their hurt.  We said to them, I will make you mine.  We will be family.

It's a redemption story that's almost as beautiful as what Christ did for each of us.
We are doubly blessed.

I know it's a little late, but
Happy Easter.


 

Thankfulness and Perspective

My son did an activity at church and his class was told to write a message to God.  Afterwards, they each folded their little notes and stuck them in their Bibles before heading home for Sunday lunch.  I'm not sure what they were talking about that day in class, and I'm not sure if there were any further directions about what their little note to Jesus should say, but on the car ride home -- my son handed me his Bible and his papers (so his little hands were free for holding a doughnut) and this is what I saw:

That's my Sugar Monkey right there. 

Super-sweet.

Super-precious.

There are two sides this coin of thankfulness. 

One side is *my* thankfulness.  People say to me, and I know they will say to you as well, "Your kids are so lucky to have you."  But the truth is that *I* am the one lucky to have them.  I sought them out, and I fought to bring them home.  I wanted them and loved them long before I met them, and every day -- however crazy or slightly dysfunctional that day can be :) -- I am grateful that I had another day with them.  I miss them when we're apart.  And while I love date nights alone with my darling, I love family nights together almost as much.  

That being said, sometimes -- especially when a child is old enough to remember all the hardships they have experienced -- we do want our children to be grateful.  Not grateful in the sense that these kids owe me! But gratefulness is the sense that God has called us all to be -- gratefulness as a cornerstone of our character and person.  

And it can be hard to deal with ungratefulness.

We had a young man live with us for a year and a half.  His story was a tragic one and Ray would describe him as both an alien and an orphan.  His first language was not English, yet to ask him, there was almost no language that was his primarily language because he never had a language long enough for it to fulfill all his needs in what he wanted to say.  He wasn't from America, and his ties with his family were in appearance to be severed.

We did so much for him, and he behaved as though it were not only expected, but it wasn't good enough.  No meal that I prepared was good enough.  No clothing or bed or toys or electronics were good enough.  And it sort of hurt my heart to a core foundational level.

And it was hard to understand how much he was broken to his core, foundational level.  

I think sometimes it's hard for us to realize how many aspects of a person's behavior, attitude, thought-process, and understanding can come from a central place of brokenness.  One aspect makes sense, and another aspect feels like left-field.  We can mistakenly think, "sure they were hurt, but they are old enough to know better. . . "

And we miss a few key elements that we need to understand.

1) We will never fix broken reasoning, until we tackle their broken heart.  

You can't force sympathy, mercy, contrition, hope, love, respect.  We WANT to, but God did not design us to learn from being forced.  It can only be learned as an outgrowth of love and healing.  We need to mull over this, ruminate over this truth.  

2)  Jesus loved us while we were yet sinners.

Ponder that.  God adopted us -- not when we were awesome church attenders and tithed regularly, but he pursued us when we were cursing, floundering, struggling and miserable on our own.  He didn't just love us a little, but he gave his life for us.  So what kind of love are we bestowing on our children?  Is it the same unselfish love?  Is it the same redeeming and uplifting love?  

3)  We need to relinquish our need for control.

Bam.  This hits me anew every time.  I can just go ahead and raise my hand on this one.  *I* need to relinquish control.  I burden myself with feeling like every aspect of my children is a reflection of me as a parent.  Every sweet thank you to the bank teller who offers a lollypop to every tantrum in the middle of Walmart.  I tell myself to own it, and then I want to control the situation.  

But let's be realistic!  They are individuals.  These little kids have their own brains and their own preferences.  They have their own funny little quirks and annoying little habits.  They aren't cookie cutters of me, and heaven help them if I try to make them into that.  

I need to let go. 

Guide instead of demand. 

We're learning, right?

Heaven knows, God is always teaching.  We just need to listen.

What are you learning right now?  What is God teaching you through your children?  I'd love to know! 

My Fav. Adoption & Foster Care Movies

Adoption and foster care are represented in some great movies.  Below are some of my absolute favorites to watch.  That being said, movie watching and the topics/questions that adoption movies raise, definitely make it a personal choice as to what you feel comfortable with for you children.  So I would highly recommend that if you're interested in any of these movies that you preview it first and decide what messages you want to draw out for your children ahead of time, or determine that you're not ready to discuss possible questions that the movie might raise.  It's entirely up to you.   These below happen to be ones that *I* LOVE.  


Meet the Robinsons is one of my favorite adoption movies.  A little boy deals struggles with living in foster care and not finding a family who will adopt him.  He begins to seek out his birth mother and it sends him on an incredible adventure.  He ends up discovering his incredible adopted family, and decides that it doesn't matter why his birth mom wanted to give him a different life because he doesn't need that for himself anymore. 

Obviously, if you watch the movie, you need to be ready for lots of adoption questions and it can be an avenue to chat about adoption for little ones who only think about their adoption sporadically. 

Personally, I love many of the incredible messages of the movie: family is something real and significant, but also a bit what you make it.  It has a message of failure as being purposeful and a way to learn, not a statement of who you are, and it has an incredible redeeming message for the "villain" in the movie.  LOVE THAT.

 The Odd Life of Timothy Green is a great movie that's fun for the whole family.  I think it's sweet for kids to see, but it's a great movie adults as well.  A couple deals with infertility and they dream a child, who magically becomes theirs.  It's an incredible story that eventually draws them to adoption. 

The story hits some topics hard -- like the ridiculous and hurtful comments others can sometimes say when we have an adopted child.  Other aspects of their relationship are perfect in the way only Hollywood can create. 

It's a magical, and endearing story of a family.   I loved it.

 October Baby is a great movie for teens and adults.  Essentially a young girl goes on path to discovering the story of her birth mother.  It's very real-to-life, not romanticizing relationships, but has an incredible redemptive story.  It was absolutely engaging and I loved that you walk with the main character as she sorts out in her mind who people are BEYOND good and bad characters.  There's a lot of depth to the story; it's fantastic.

If you stay through the end, one of the actors shares her personal story and it makes the movie all the more touching. 

The First of May did not have a cover that made me feel eager to watch the movie.  I won't lie to you; my interest in movies and books often lies in the cover.  BUT this movie is a precious story about foster care, and I love it because there are few movies that really talk about what foster care is like.

I love that the kid in the movie struggles with being in foster care and you get to see what that's like. 

It's a bit of an adventure story, has elements that are a bit unrealistic, but has a sweet ending.  It's not a blockbuster, but it's worth watching.

The Shunning is a great story of a young woman who discovers as a young adult that she was adopted.  It's interesting to watch and she goes through some very natural questions and feelings to finding out something that had been kept a secret from her for her entire life.

I LOVE one simply message in the movie: who she is doesn't change because there's more to her history.  She is who God has made her.  Love that.

I don't like that the movie ends with some questions left unanswered.  I never read the corresponding book, so I'm not sure if it was a director's choice or an author's choice.  It's a great movie for anyone pre-teen an up.

A Shine of Rainbows is a movie we found on Netflix.  A couple adopts a little boy and the father struggles to identify with the little child who is so different from himself.  The mother is incredible and speaking to his little heart and their bond becomes amazingly strong. 

However due to various circumstances, the little boy and the father MUST bond, and that process is both heart-breaking, and beautiful.  There is much redemption in this movie. 

It's very realistic as far as relationships and their complexity.  And I love that it tackles the very-real situations when bonding is NOT an immediate or gut feeling.  It's absolutely excellent and a must-watch.  It does have some hard topics in it, so I wouldn't advise a child under 10 to watch.

The Blind Side is probably not new to anyone's list, which is why I mention it last.  It's excellent, and you can't help but love that it's based on the true story of Michael Oher.  I love a few things about it: I love that it hits those hard topics, like people's poor choices in their reaction to finding out you're adopting.  I love that it explores adoption as a sometimes unclear path to navigate.  And I love that it's adoption of a teenager, which many people feel afraid to consider.

It's well done, we'll acted and well-directed.  If you haven't seen it, then hop on the band-wagon and watch it asap!






These are my favorites.  There are other movies that mention adoption or have adoption aspects to it.  I'll tell you I don't think all movies should be watched just because it talks about adoption.  The movie, Stuart Little, for instance, has a scene where the biological parents come back and take away Stuart from his adopted family.  Unfortunately, because the movie had been gifted to my kids, they saw this without me previewing it first.  It caused a panic and a flood of questions: could someone come and take them away?  What would happen if . . .?  

It turns out the "biological parents" in the movie were con-artists and not his biological parents at all, but at the point when you don't know the scam, they are saying things like, "we're his REAL parents."  You might feel differently, but I just am not a fan.

I'm certain that I haven't seen all the great movies out there.  What are your favorite adoption and foster care movies?  I'd love to know what I'm missing.  As a movie fan, I don't have a large line in the budget for movie watching, so I'm sure I've missed a ton.  I'd love to know what you've seen and liked -- or what you've seen and hated!  Share away!

You Need Back-Up

I have a migraine.  It's on the way out thanks to a ridiculous amount of rest this afternoon and more than the normal dosing of medication.  Today generic lost to brand name.  It was kind of pitiful.  I finally crawled under the covers of the bed with my clothes and make-up on and fell asleep like it wasn't 1:00 in the early afternoon.  I had a roommate once who used to come back to the dorm in the middle of the day and just slip right out of her clothes, crawl right into her all-ready-used pjs and get under the covers of a still unmade bed.  I always thought that strange.  Now here I am.  Life comes around full-circle.

Today, Ray ended up taking All-Star to the soccer game so that I could conk out; what a lifesaver.

But when you think about it, we all need someone to help pitch in.
Do you have someone?
A mom to call?  A spouse?  A best friend?

God orchestrated so much of our lives to be built in community.  Even if we could manage on our own, it's not how it was meant to be.  There are so many verses about how we are connect -- as the body of Christ, as branches of the vine, and so many verses mentioning "one another."

Let us not give up meeting together, 

as some are in the habit of doing, 

but let us encourage one another

-- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

 Hebrew 10:25

 So let's take a minute.  Can you name three people who you could call in a pinch to help out -- no matter if it's the middle of the work day or the middle of the night?  

There's a gal I know who has some significant, recurrent health issues that land her in the hospital frequently.  As I write this, it's looking like she might be headed there again.  Sometimes I'm just amazed at how strong she can be.  She's headed in for surgery and she shoots an email to her son's soccer team parents and asks who will take her son to practice, who can bring him back to her mom's house?  And people step up to help!  Don't assume no one would step up.  If you have a girlfriend at work, and you get in a bind -- just ask.  People can be surprising with how well they'll pitch in if they know you need help.  But they can't help if they don't know.  It starts with you.

Raw Sharing: Let's Get Some Help

When we first brought our kids home, they had us on the run.  We gave 110%, feel like we were giving it at our all, and doing a slew of the wrong things in trying to parent our children.  At the end of the night, they'd finally be asleep, and we'd tiptoe into our bedrooms and lie in the bed.  We wouldn't turn on the TV, afraid we'd wake them.  We wouldn't flush the potty, afraid the noise would startle them back to consciousness.  We'd lie very still and whisper. 

I stayed home with the boys and I'd be worn out; Ray would whisper to me how far we'd come in 6 weeks, or 3 months, or 6 months' time.  And yes, I could see progress.  So we kept going.  We kept persevering.

This past year, a young man who had been living with us for a year and a half, moved out.  It was a bit unexpected, though we can see now that for his sake, it was the best plan.  Still, the change, and the sudden absence of someone in their lives, caused my little guys to regress a bit.  And we found ourselves ready for counseling.

We have been in counseling for about 6 months now, and the change is nothing short of remarkable.  6 months time of doing things the right way -- or at least far closer to the right way -- has made such a difference that I sorely regret not having started years ago. 

All this is to say that I am now a strong proponent of adoptive families getting help.  That being said: in looking at my own life I feel there were some strong signals that I overlooked that probably should have told me to get some help.  So from a veteran in the adopted parenting field, here are some signs in which you might need to pay attention.

1.  You feel angry most of the time.
I am not super-proud of this, but this is how I felt and I think it should have let us know to get help.  I felt angry that my kids weren't like other kids.  I felt angry that our life always felt hard.  I felt angry that I couldn't go and do the things other families got to do.  I felt angry that our kids always ruined a good day.  I felt angry they destroyed things around our home.  I felt angry that they didn't make sense to me because their fits were so illogical. 

People that were around me, I'm sure, could tell my unhappiness.  I always put on a smile, but I didn't talk to others about being PROUD of my kids.  I looked at babysitters and said, "he didn't cause you any problems, did he?" And I said it in a joking way, so they didn't think I had some hard heart, but I certainly didn't assume the best in my kids because I couldn't see the best in them.

2.  You don't feel like you have any good days as a family.
I lamented to my husband often about how the boys tag-teamed in a way that made every day bad.  One day All-Star was hard on me, and the next day it was Sugar Monkey.  Lots of time it was both of them.  But holidays, vacations, school breaks -- those were the worst.  And I just *wanted* for our family to have these happy spells the way other families did, but there was a rain cloud parked over our family that never left.

3.  You don't feel hopeful about your kids' future.
I was seriously worried about both my kids becoming adults.  Sugar Monkey broke things when he got mad, so I worried he would one day be reckless with cars, with girlfriends, with all kinds of things that matter.  All-Star worries until it makes him sick, and I would think all the time, 'he's never going to be a happy person.'

4.  I didn't want their affection.
I did.  That's not exactly the truth.  But I didn't want it the way they did it.  Sugar Monkey would rail against the world, beat his head on the wall, and then nary 5 minutes later give me hugs.  But I was still upset!  I didn't want his hugs after we'd had 20 minutes of bizarre tantrums.  All-Star liked to kiss my hands, which for whatever reason, gave me the creeps.  I would love real hugs or real kisses, but him grabbing my hand as I walked past him to kiss my fingers, made my skin crawl and I couldn't get over that feeling.  

I could probably go on, sharing all kinds of things that are utterly embarrassing and shameful.  But the truth is that if you're an adoptive mom, or a fostering mom, *hopefully* you'll have either a little bit of mercy for me, or you are in this exact same spot.

And I share this to say that there is HOPE.

That the God of the universe did not hand you a child 

that is beyond His ability to repair and redeem.    

And it is possible that we happen to have one of the best counselors around because he is pretty awesome, but it may very well be that if you reach out, you will find help that becomes the puzzle piece you've been missing all this time.

Bonding Part 2: Tips for Your Child

Last week, I mentioned that bonding is a two-sided coin: you're bonding your heart to the child's and the child's heart to yours.  There are different strategies for how to do each, but today I want to talk about some of my top ways to help promote attachment in your child's heart. 

As I mentioned in my post last week, one of the major components for bonding has to do with utilizing the five senses.  Our senses are what make memories, they are primal, and they reach the deepest parts of our psyches.  Activities where our five senses are involved are the richest experiences we have.  Let me walk through what I mean briefly.

-- Sight:  We want to be looking into one another's eyes.   I don't mean that everything has to be the staring game, although the staring game is a super-fun example if you are dealing with younger school-aged children.  I do, however, mean that we are fully paying attention.  I'm not multitasking and listening, while working on dinner.  I'm actually focused in, looking straight into my child's eyes with interest, as he talks. 

-- Listening:  We want to encourage activities where we are actively listening to one another.  Much like a game of Mother-May-I?, we are not just talking to one another, but we're paying CLOSE attention to what each of us are saying. 

-- Touch:  I mentioned this last week, but touch has amazing healing properties that we don't completely understand.  The more we touch one another, with shoulder pats, holding hands, back rubs at night, hugs, high-fives, the more we are connecting our hearts together.  When there is distance in our hearts, it becomes easy to avoid touching one another, and we have to be conscious of that exact problem, actively guarding against it.

-- Smell:  Activities that involve smells work their way deep into our memories, so activities involving food, the outdoors, lotions really are important.  Activities do not have be games, but can even be routines such as putting on lotion after baths, or using therapeutic oils. 

-- Taste:  Not to encourage poor manners, but activities or games that involve taste are important as well.  Playing games with food can be hilarious ways to reach into the deep recesses of our brains.

The only other aspect I want to add before I explain my top bonding strategies is that no matter which activity you choose or create, you need to know that it only counts as bonding if it's a positive, and even playful event.  If you're fighting or frustrated, then those negative feelings come through.  I liken it to the way that dogs can feel their owners fear and uncertainty through the leash on a walk.  You might not think it's coming through, but if your dog senses your uneasiness, then she will be uneasy as you pass through the tests of meeting other dogs, staying calm near passing vehicles, etc.  When doing bonding activities, you need to have fun.  It's imperative.

Now for my Top Strategies:

1) Nighttime routine:  When we had a teenager in our house, which was a semi-fostering arrangement, we said goodnight to him before my husband and I went to our bedroom for the night.  I would hug him.   It wasn't anything dramatic, but it was physical touch, it was routine.  I smiled; he smiled.  It was a beginning. 

My little boys have much longer routines, but my oldest likes to have his back rubbed as I sing him a song.  It wears me out because by bedtime, I'm ready to be done with the day, but it is so important to him.  It's not a happy good night if I don't sing him lullabies and rub his back.

My littlest likes to lie down and have my lift his head and arms into my lap into a make-shift, big-boy swaddle and we talk about the day as we snuggle together. I look deep into his eyes and we try to talk about only the best parts of the day and what we are looking forward to for tomorrow.  He gets a gleeful look in his eyes each night, as though these moments are the very best.

2)  Popcorn Toss:  This game always feels weird to me because I'm a girl, and the only ones I've ever tossed popcorn to are my dogs.  But the boys LOVE it.  There's lots of eye contact, food that you catch in your mouth, and tons of giggling!  Obviously, this game only works with school age and up, as you don't want to create choking hazards for little ones, but you could easily modify this with having a little child choose which hand a jelly bean is in and letting her eat it when she chooses correctly! 

3)  Walks:  Doing any kind of exercise together gives you time, free of distractions, to talk and engage one another.  It's outdoors so there's lots of smells, and exciting things you can look at together.  You might hold hands while you're walking, or laugh as you see them running ahead.  We have a walking trail in our town where we can stop and skip rocks in the river, climb boulders and play, look over bridges at fish and more.  But the idea is that we're doing it together.  I don't drop them at the park and sit from the bench -- that's disengaged, the opposite of what we want.  Instead, we're exploring life together.

4)  Cooking:  This works for all sorts of ages because you could make something like play dough, make cookies, or learn how to make dinner depending upon how old your child is.  But cooking is a great hands-on, smell-filled, delicious way to do something fun WITH your child.  The only element that might take away is if you're not focused on bonding.  If you're cooking dinner while helping your child make play dough, you're too distracted for this to count as bonding.  If you're in a hurry to get the cookies in the oven, so that you can get back to something else, you're too distracted for this to count.  Bonding is intentional, focused time together.  You have to make sure that whatever you're doing is a means to accomplishing intentional, focused time together.

5)  Movie nights:  Again, this can be adapted for almost any child over 2.  Although for the little ones, it might be movie half-hour, instead of movie night.  My kids LOVE me sitting with them (and really snuggling beside them) while watching a movie.  Lots of time these days I don't sit with them when they watch TV.  It's after dinner, and they watch ridiculously bad TV like Power Rangers, and I have things to do.  You know how it goes.  But on Fridays, we might grab a redbox movie, pop some popcorn, and snuggle under a blanket together while we spend 2 solid hours with food smells, and tastes,  and touching.  My niece of 2 years old, can have the same experience with a little cup of cheerios, and one 10-minute episode of Little People.  It's not about the length of time, it's about the quality of time.

6)  The Special Handshake:  Thank you to our family counselor for this one, but we have a special version of high-five with each kid.  It might be two fist-pumps and 2 snaps; or high fives up high, down low, etc.  They love it because it's a unique connection with their parent.  It's also great because it can be adapted to all different ages. 

There's really no limit as to what you can do as a means to bond.  You simply have to have fun, be intentional, and use your senses.  If those are met, then real bonding can occur. 

Make a plan to do large and small bonding activities every day. 
It's quite fascinating to realize how many behaviors our children exhibit that are rooted in attachment problems.  If we focus on the attachment, then we can make great strides in the behaviors.   It's all about being intentional.

Bonding: 10 Tips for You

Adopting moms and dads from all over the globe will share stories of the first time they met their child.  Some will say things like the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were my little boy.  Or they might say things like when your foster mom placed you in my arms, I just knew that you were my baby forever.  When I think back to my little boys, I remember when our adoption agency first let us know that these little brothers were ours.  That was it.  Any obstacle that fell in our way, any delay in bringing them home had to be, must be, conquerable because those guys were our guys.   They were our babies regardless of what the law had yet determined or what roads and bridges we still had to cross.

The moment we first met our boys, we saw them from twenty feet away.  We ran to them, and they to us, as though time and space had already separated our family for far too long.  They fell into our arms like it was a moment from a fairy tale.  They had seen our pictures as we had see theirs.  They had hoped in us the way we had hoped in them.

And even though the beginning of our story was marvelous, it wasn't long before we knew that our two little guys had been through more change and upheaval than any little boys their age should have ever been through.  Each time we visited (and we visited many times before the end), we stayed in a hotel together, and I remember how very difficult it was to get through our meals in the hotel restaurant because it was too hard to wait the 15 minutes before our food arrived, because one of the pair (they always take turns, even now) was always on the verge of a complete breakdown.  When Ray and I were there, we had endurance!  We had perseverance!  Our visits could only last for a handful of days, so we were at the top of our game for the whole of the long weekend.

But when we finally got home and the adrenaline had run out, 

but the behaviors and the meltdowns hadn't, 

we knew intentional bonding strategies needed to take place.

Bonding is a process of two sides: it's joining your adult heart to the child's, and it's joining the child's heart to yours.  Both are important and both sides need to be considered.

What I want to talk about today is the adult end of the deal.  Because, regardless of the child's age, dealing with behaviors (whether it's a non-stop crying baby, a biting and thrashing preschooler, a punching and aggressive preteen, or a withdrawn and emotional teen), it's all HARD.  

We imagine this perfect family with the mini van and the hugs.  

We imagine a grateful child and ourselves as grateful parents.  

We imagine fishing with our son, getting manicures with our daughters, 

sleepovers for our children, and holding hands when we walk through the parking lots.  

But sometimes what we actually receive is not this beautiful picture, but instead a very broken one.  Then we have to ask ourselves this crucial set of questions:

1)  Is our goal and motive for having a family for self-fulfillment only, primarily?

2)  Is our goal for our child to be 'normal'?  What is our hope for our child?

3)  What role do the opinions of others place on our hearts?

4)  Can we let go of the imagine of perfection and trade it in for what's real?

5)  Can we see our role as parents the way God sees his role as our Father?  (i.e. forgiveness, mercy, guidance --with a goal of salvation and maturity, not job status, manners or other human determinations on the value or significance of a life?)

If you're in it for the long-haul then here are some tips for how to bond YOUR heart to theirs.  Keep posted for the flip side of this and we're talking about bonding THEIR hearts; that post is coming soon.

1.  Take pictures

It doesn't matter if they are with your phone camera, or with the latest high-tech Nikon.  If you take pictures, all the time, and look back on them at the end of the day, then those smiles (even if there were only 3 in the whole day) look precious.  Pouting lips can be kind of adorable.  Sleeping baby is oh-so-darling.  Preteen or teen reading or doing homework fills your heart with pride.  

In the tasks of the day our hearts become bombarded with the bad behaviors our kids exhibit.  We get weighed down by the crying, or the anger, or the constant frustration.  

But pictures help us forget the bad and remember the 5 seconds of good that happened -- the 5 seconds of sweetness that we otherwise would have forgotten.

2.  Remember the five senses

It sounds kind of dumb, but it's the way we make memories.  We're rushing through the Walmart parking lot holding our little one's hand.  Take a moment and think: how soft is his little hand?!  how small are her little fingers in mine?  how sweet is his little voice when he asks questions?  

Or when you're getting ready to do mealtime prayers with your teen -- think how grown up he's already getting.  Listen to how deep his voice is becoming, feel how strong his hands are now.  

For the baby, smell that sweet smell of Johnson's baby shampoo, or listen to the sweet sounds of the baby as she drinks from the bottle or sucks her little thumb.

The moments pass by quickly, so when they are there, you have to intentionally savor them.

3.  Pray together for the child

I pray a similar prayer for my sons each night before bed.  You can obviously adapt it for whatever age child you have, but the act of praying aloud helps my boys to know my hopes for them.  It reminds me of my hopes for them.  It appeases some of my own anger, the way only prayer does.  And it asks for God's intervention, which is our only hope.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask you to watch over little All-Star as he sleeps.  Help him to rest knowing that You are always with him, wherever he goes.  I thank you for how You brought him into our family and how I know You are changing all of us everyday to love each other better.  Wrap Your arms around him and help him to grow up into the man You would have him be.  Be with the little girl who he will one day marry and help her to know You and grow in You every day. (This makes my sons giggle).  We love You with all of our hearts.  Amen.

4.  Do fun things YOU like to do (together)

Do you like going to the movies?  Take your kids to the movies and have a good time together.  

Do you like getting ice cream? -- Make that a weekly treat together.  

Huge Starbucks fan?  Take your child to get an apple fritter or a cake pop there! 

Little eating dinner out?  Go!

Sometimes we become trapped in fear that our kids are going to act out when we go into public.  Yes, we need to do things that our children like, but that's another blog post away.  Don't give up the things you like to do out of fear.  You don't have to make the child do what you do: if you love soccer, and your kid's a book worm, then go play and let your child sit in the stands reading.  If you love ice cream and your kid is allergic to dairy, grab him a brownie and love on your ice cream! 

Our kids' worlds can become really small because of how their fear prevents them from doing so many of the things we like to do.  But that doesn't mean that your world has to be equally small.  Make adjustments.  Find a restaurant that's kind of quiet, or that has a back room you can use for just your family.  Adjust, but don't give up all the things you love because it's harder than it used to be.

5.  Make a life book

Really.  We all learn we should make one when we go through classes before an adoption.  If you hadn't heard about it, or have forgotten it, a life book is a private book solely for your child and whomever your child wants to share it.  It's the story of his or her life: including the information you know about past foster families, the birth family, the biological and adoptive parents and siblings.  You're putting the pieces together of a fragmented life and making it cohesive again.  The benefit of it is that in working on it, you are reminded of where he or she has come from (which we forget when in this midst of rages and fits), it is you doing something that will be a blessing for the child (which warms your heart), and it helps YOU as well as the child to focus on the positive moments and events.

6.  Touch

This is especially harder when you have a teenager because they don't naturally come to you for snuggles, but try to set yourself a numeric goal for how many times you touch one another in the day. Maybe today, I want to try to touch my child in some way 10 times.  This isn't something grand and dramatic, but might be as little as a shoulder pat when you walk by, or a kiss on the forehead.  It could be a little nudge at the dinner table or a high-five when something good has happened.  The therapeutic properties of touching are astounding, and it's remarkable how well we can avoid touching or making contact when we aren't bonded with another person.  Setting daily goals, increasing those goals, and being intentional about trying to make physical contact are great ways to bond.  

** As a side note, when my youngest is very angry, (and I'm not too angry to have forgotten), I have him hold my hand (while he's in the corner and while looking at me as I think of how to deal with the problem.  I start to calm down and so does he.  It's kind of magical.

7.  Smile

When life is hard, we stop smiling.  I'm not trying to tell you to fake it.  That doesn't do anyone any good.  BUT if you can try to smile, it physically affects your own heart.  For instance, if your kids have been  experiencing numerous behaviors and your worn out, but they have been sent to their bedroom, or they're outside playing while you make dinner.  Take a few minutes and just PRACTICE smiling to yourself while you cook.  No one is there watching and it is really therapeutic.  Then, when your child returns from outside or wherever, try to greet that child with a smile -- even if it just lasts five seconds.  It makes a difference.

8.  Do little gestures

Everyday try to do something sweet for your child.  Cut her sandwich into a heart shape for lunch, or stick a post-it into his school agenda saying, "Good luck on the test today!"  Make meals fun -- like having a finger-food snack lunch, or make dinner rolls shaped like bunnies.  Search Pinterest for ideas, but keep trying.  It may not always go over the way you imagine that it will, but each time you try, it feels good in your heart.  That's big.  And even if only half of them mean something to your child, that's something!

9.  Keep an accountability log

My husband is a teacher.  Not just any teacher, but a great teacher.  He once read a book by Parker Palmer called, The Courage to Teach.  The idea was that when students said unkind things or made your weeks and months worth of preparation feel like an utter failure (because they are keenly built to be able to do that with some eye rolls, and sarcasm), then our tendency as humans is to take a step back and put up a wall.  You can't do that as a teacher and you can't do that as a parent.  It's the path to losing.  You have to have the courage to take the next day with another brave step forward.

How can you do that as a parent?  Keep a list.  Every day right down one way that you TRIED.  It's not a list of begrudging your child like, "I picked up his dirty clothes off the floor again and he didn't even notice."  That's going to send you down a defeatist path. 

Instead, make a list that looks like:

3/15  Set up a playdate with Mark

3/16  Made kids a super-cool choco-mint smoothie for the holiday weekend

3/17  Had movie night with popcorn

Get the idea?  If you can start the list, it will keep you focused on making each day intentional.  And when we DO sweet things, then sweetness fills our hearts.  The more we're choosing to love, the more love begins to fill our hearts.  But we keep on choosing, no matter what.

10.  Get breaks

It sounds silly to say that getting time away from your kid is going to help you LOVE your kid, but it's the truth.  When you're away from anything, you start to think about the good aspects with some sentiment and nostalgia.  Not only that, but your heart can have a little time to do some restoration if it's been under fire.  

We all need breaks.  But when you're parenting a hurt kid, you need to be intentional about planning breaks.  Once a six weeks will not do.  So involve your close friends and family, hire a babysitter if you can.  Make a plan and act on it.  So that you can take care of you.

Hurt Kids

This is Sugar Monkey.  He always reminds me of a coin.  On one side, he is the MONSTER LOVER OF KISSES, will hug you infinitely, talks in a sweet voice, wants some candy or sweet thing to munch on, and will snuggle on up with you.  I LOVE that side.

On the other side, the flip side, he's  . . . well, . . . he's quite a bit like a two-year-old hankering for a spanking. 

Thanks to our marvelous family counselor, which side of Sugar Monkey we get is no longer as random as a coin toss, and no longer as split as 50/50.  In fact, the more we learn how to love our little man better, we see 'the flip side' slowly disappearing.  Woot woot!

Here's what we've learned about our hurt little boys:
      *  If you love on them the right way, they get better. 
          It's a bit like moving a boulder, but it's completely do-able.
      *  How their pain is evidenced throughout their lives still continues to boggle my mind.  I'm  
          always looking at our counselor and learning, 'oh!  This is part of his attachment issues, too?'
      *  Choose your battles.  Their heart is what's at stake -- not their manners, or their behavior in
          school (those are all BIG, don't miss what I'm saying) but his heart and soul are the foundation
          we need to focus on.
      *  Loving a hurt kid will undo your type-a personality, and your micromanaging, overly ordered
          way of thinking.  I have this need to be in control, of everything.  It's not healthy.  And heaven 
          knows God is using these two little boys to help me learn to let go.
     *  What people think of you, your parenting, and your child is not important.  Whoa.  Take it in. 
          People aren't used to dealing with hurt little ones.  They think in terms of the standard model
          of development and when you're kid isn't a cookie-cutter of the other kids -- well, judging eyes
          might follow you around.  But you have to guard that precious heart of yours and just know
          that you might still be undoing what had been done the first years of your child's life.  And
          that's more than okay -- that's magnificent.  So instead of wasting time getting others to
          understand, just walk along and do what God has ordained you to do -- love your precious
         child. 
     *  Never stop learning.  Yeah, we know you took those classes before you adopted.  But until it's
          right there in your kitchen pitching a fit, then half the things you heard about, you probably 
          forgot.  Keep going to attachment classes; keep reading those adoption books.  Keep meeting
          up with other foster and adoptive moms or dads.  Don't think you've got it.  Because unless
          you're a family counselor, or have some otherwise appropriate degree, the rabbit hole of hurt
          goes deeper than what we think we understand.  Promise.
     *  Focus on the positive. (More on that in a coming post!)

Oh!  Time to pick my kids up from school!  Yippee!


** When I mention, "the right way" earlier, I mean that we don't just love our adoptive kids the same way we love our biological kids.  They need more.  And if you learn how to love them to meet their social and developmental needs, then the floodgates of potential and promise pour out from there.  :)