Thankfulness and Perspective

My son did an activity at church and his class was told to write a message to God.  Afterwards, they each folded their little notes and stuck them in their Bibles before heading home for Sunday lunch.  I'm not sure what they were talking about that day in class, and I'm not sure if there were any further directions about what their little note to Jesus should say, but on the car ride home -- my son handed me his Bible and his papers (so his little hands were free for holding a doughnut) and this is what I saw:

That's my Sugar Monkey right there. 

Super-sweet.

Super-precious.

There are two sides this coin of thankfulness. 

One side is *my* thankfulness.  People say to me, and I know they will say to you as well, "Your kids are so lucky to have you."  But the truth is that *I* am the one lucky to have them.  I sought them out, and I fought to bring them home.  I wanted them and loved them long before I met them, and every day -- however crazy or slightly dysfunctional that day can be :) -- I am grateful that I had another day with them.  I miss them when we're apart.  And while I love date nights alone with my darling, I love family nights together almost as much.  

That being said, sometimes -- especially when a child is old enough to remember all the hardships they have experienced -- we do want our children to be grateful.  Not grateful in the sense that these kids owe me! But gratefulness is the sense that God has called us all to be -- gratefulness as a cornerstone of our character and person.  

And it can be hard to deal with ungratefulness.

We had a young man live with us for a year and a half.  His story was a tragic one and Ray would describe him as both an alien and an orphan.  His first language was not English, yet to ask him, there was almost no language that was his primarily language because he never had a language long enough for it to fulfill all his needs in what he wanted to say.  He wasn't from America, and his ties with his family were in appearance to be severed.

We did so much for him, and he behaved as though it were not only expected, but it wasn't good enough.  No meal that I prepared was good enough.  No clothing or bed or toys or electronics were good enough.  And it sort of hurt my heart to a core foundational level.

And it was hard to understand how much he was broken to his core, foundational level.  

I think sometimes it's hard for us to realize how many aspects of a person's behavior, attitude, thought-process, and understanding can come from a central place of brokenness.  One aspect makes sense, and another aspect feels like left-field.  We can mistakenly think, "sure they were hurt, but they are old enough to know better. . . "

And we miss a few key elements that we need to understand.

1) We will never fix broken reasoning, until we tackle their broken heart.  

You can't force sympathy, mercy, contrition, hope, love, respect.  We WANT to, but God did not design us to learn from being forced.  It can only be learned as an outgrowth of love and healing.  We need to mull over this, ruminate over this truth.  

2)  Jesus loved us while we were yet sinners.

Ponder that.  God adopted us -- not when we were awesome church attenders and tithed regularly, but he pursued us when we were cursing, floundering, struggling and miserable on our own.  He didn't just love us a little, but he gave his life for us.  So what kind of love are we bestowing on our children?  Is it the same unselfish love?  Is it the same redeeming and uplifting love?  

3)  We need to relinquish our need for control.

Bam.  This hits me anew every time.  I can just go ahead and raise my hand on this one.  *I* need to relinquish control.  I burden myself with feeling like every aspect of my children is a reflection of me as a parent.  Every sweet thank you to the bank teller who offers a lollypop to every tantrum in the middle of Walmart.  I tell myself to own it, and then I want to control the situation.  

But let's be realistic!  They are individuals.  These little kids have their own brains and their own preferences.  They have their own funny little quirks and annoying little habits.  They aren't cookie cutters of me, and heaven help them if I try to make them into that.  

I need to let go. 

Guide instead of demand. 

We're learning, right?

Heaven knows, God is always teaching.  We just need to listen.

What are you learning right now?  What is God teaching you through your children?  I'd love to know! 

My Fav. Adoption & Foster Care Movies

Adoption and foster care are represented in some great movies.  Below are some of my absolute favorites to watch.  That being said, movie watching and the topics/questions that adoption movies raise, definitely make it a personal choice as to what you feel comfortable with for you children.  So I would highly recommend that if you're interested in any of these movies that you preview it first and decide what messages you want to draw out for your children ahead of time, or determine that you're not ready to discuss possible questions that the movie might raise.  It's entirely up to you.   These below happen to be ones that *I* LOVE.  


Meet the Robinsons is one of my favorite adoption movies.  A little boy deals struggles with living in foster care and not finding a family who will adopt him.  He begins to seek out his birth mother and it sends him on an incredible adventure.  He ends up discovering his incredible adopted family, and decides that it doesn't matter why his birth mom wanted to give him a different life because he doesn't need that for himself anymore. 

Obviously, if you watch the movie, you need to be ready for lots of adoption questions and it can be an avenue to chat about adoption for little ones who only think about their adoption sporadically. 

Personally, I love many of the incredible messages of the movie: family is something real and significant, but also a bit what you make it.  It has a message of failure as being purposeful and a way to learn, not a statement of who you are, and it has an incredible redeeming message for the "villain" in the movie.  LOVE THAT.

 The Odd Life of Timothy Green is a great movie that's fun for the whole family.  I think it's sweet for kids to see, but it's a great movie adults as well.  A couple deals with infertility and they dream a child, who magically becomes theirs.  It's an incredible story that eventually draws them to adoption. 

The story hits some topics hard -- like the ridiculous and hurtful comments others can sometimes say when we have an adopted child.  Other aspects of their relationship are perfect in the way only Hollywood can create. 

It's a magical, and endearing story of a family.   I loved it.

 October Baby is a great movie for teens and adults.  Essentially a young girl goes on path to discovering the story of her birth mother.  It's very real-to-life, not romanticizing relationships, but has an incredible redemptive story.  It was absolutely engaging and I loved that you walk with the main character as she sorts out in her mind who people are BEYOND good and bad characters.  There's a lot of depth to the story; it's fantastic.

If you stay through the end, one of the actors shares her personal story and it makes the movie all the more touching. 

The First of May did not have a cover that made me feel eager to watch the movie.  I won't lie to you; my interest in movies and books often lies in the cover.  BUT this movie is a precious story about foster care, and I love it because there are few movies that really talk about what foster care is like.

I love that the kid in the movie struggles with being in foster care and you get to see what that's like. 

It's a bit of an adventure story, has elements that are a bit unrealistic, but has a sweet ending.  It's not a blockbuster, but it's worth watching.

The Shunning is a great story of a young woman who discovers as a young adult that she was adopted.  It's interesting to watch and she goes through some very natural questions and feelings to finding out something that had been kept a secret from her for her entire life.

I LOVE one simply message in the movie: who she is doesn't change because there's more to her history.  She is who God has made her.  Love that.

I don't like that the movie ends with some questions left unanswered.  I never read the corresponding book, so I'm not sure if it was a director's choice or an author's choice.  It's a great movie for anyone pre-teen an up.

A Shine of Rainbows is a movie we found on Netflix.  A couple adopts a little boy and the father struggles to identify with the little child who is so different from himself.  The mother is incredible and speaking to his little heart and their bond becomes amazingly strong. 

However due to various circumstances, the little boy and the father MUST bond, and that process is both heart-breaking, and beautiful.  There is much redemption in this movie. 

It's very realistic as far as relationships and their complexity.  And I love that it tackles the very-real situations when bonding is NOT an immediate or gut feeling.  It's absolutely excellent and a must-watch.  It does have some hard topics in it, so I wouldn't advise a child under 10 to watch.

The Blind Side is probably not new to anyone's list, which is why I mention it last.  It's excellent, and you can't help but love that it's based on the true story of Michael Oher.  I love a few things about it: I love that it hits those hard topics, like people's poor choices in their reaction to finding out you're adopting.  I love that it explores adoption as a sometimes unclear path to navigate.  And I love that it's adoption of a teenager, which many people feel afraid to consider.

It's well done, we'll acted and well-directed.  If you haven't seen it, then hop on the band-wagon and watch it asap!






These are my favorites.  There are other movies that mention adoption or have adoption aspects to it.  I'll tell you I don't think all movies should be watched just because it talks about adoption.  The movie, Stuart Little, for instance, has a scene where the biological parents come back and take away Stuart from his adopted family.  Unfortunately, because the movie had been gifted to my kids, they saw this without me previewing it first.  It caused a panic and a flood of questions: could someone come and take them away?  What would happen if . . .?  

It turns out the "biological parents" in the movie were con-artists and not his biological parents at all, but at the point when you don't know the scam, they are saying things like, "we're his REAL parents."  You might feel differently, but I just am not a fan.

I'm certain that I haven't seen all the great movies out there.  What are your favorite adoption and foster care movies?  I'd love to know what I'm missing.  As a movie fan, I don't have a large line in the budget for movie watching, so I'm sure I've missed a ton.  I'd love to know what you've seen and liked -- or what you've seen and hated!  Share away!

You Need Back-Up

I have a migraine.  It's on the way out thanks to a ridiculous amount of rest this afternoon and more than the normal dosing of medication.  Today generic lost to brand name.  It was kind of pitiful.  I finally crawled under the covers of the bed with my clothes and make-up on and fell asleep like it wasn't 1:00 in the early afternoon.  I had a roommate once who used to come back to the dorm in the middle of the day and just slip right out of her clothes, crawl right into her all-ready-used pjs and get under the covers of a still unmade bed.  I always thought that strange.  Now here I am.  Life comes around full-circle.

Today, Ray ended up taking All-Star to the soccer game so that I could conk out; what a lifesaver.

But when you think about it, we all need someone to help pitch in.
Do you have someone?
A mom to call?  A spouse?  A best friend?

God orchestrated so much of our lives to be built in community.  Even if we could manage on our own, it's not how it was meant to be.  There are so many verses about how we are connect -- as the body of Christ, as branches of the vine, and so many verses mentioning "one another."

Let us not give up meeting together, 

as some are in the habit of doing, 

but let us encourage one another

-- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

 Hebrew 10:25

 So let's take a minute.  Can you name three people who you could call in a pinch to help out -- no matter if it's the middle of the work day or the middle of the night?  

There's a gal I know who has some significant, recurrent health issues that land her in the hospital frequently.  As I write this, it's looking like she might be headed there again.  Sometimes I'm just amazed at how strong she can be.  She's headed in for surgery and she shoots an email to her son's soccer team parents and asks who will take her son to practice, who can bring him back to her mom's house?  And people step up to help!  Don't assume no one would step up.  If you have a girlfriend at work, and you get in a bind -- just ask.  People can be surprising with how well they'll pitch in if they know you need help.  But they can't help if they don't know.  It starts with you.

Raw Sharing: Let's Get Some Help

When we first brought our kids home, they had us on the run.  We gave 110%, feel like we were giving it at our all, and doing a slew of the wrong things in trying to parent our children.  At the end of the night, they'd finally be asleep, and we'd tiptoe into our bedrooms and lie in the bed.  We wouldn't turn on the TV, afraid we'd wake them.  We wouldn't flush the potty, afraid the noise would startle them back to consciousness.  We'd lie very still and whisper. 

I stayed home with the boys and I'd be worn out; Ray would whisper to me how far we'd come in 6 weeks, or 3 months, or 6 months' time.  And yes, I could see progress.  So we kept going.  We kept persevering.

This past year, a young man who had been living with us for a year and a half, moved out.  It was a bit unexpected, though we can see now that for his sake, it was the best plan.  Still, the change, and the sudden absence of someone in their lives, caused my little guys to regress a bit.  And we found ourselves ready for counseling.

We have been in counseling for about 6 months now, and the change is nothing short of remarkable.  6 months time of doing things the right way -- or at least far closer to the right way -- has made such a difference that I sorely regret not having started years ago. 

All this is to say that I am now a strong proponent of adoptive families getting help.  That being said: in looking at my own life I feel there were some strong signals that I overlooked that probably should have told me to get some help.  So from a veteran in the adopted parenting field, here are some signs in which you might need to pay attention.

1.  You feel angry most of the time.
I am not super-proud of this, but this is how I felt and I think it should have let us know to get help.  I felt angry that my kids weren't like other kids.  I felt angry that our life always felt hard.  I felt angry that I couldn't go and do the things other families got to do.  I felt angry that our kids always ruined a good day.  I felt angry they destroyed things around our home.  I felt angry that they didn't make sense to me because their fits were so illogical. 

People that were around me, I'm sure, could tell my unhappiness.  I always put on a smile, but I didn't talk to others about being PROUD of my kids.  I looked at babysitters and said, "he didn't cause you any problems, did he?" And I said it in a joking way, so they didn't think I had some hard heart, but I certainly didn't assume the best in my kids because I couldn't see the best in them.

2.  You don't feel like you have any good days as a family.
I lamented to my husband often about how the boys tag-teamed in a way that made every day bad.  One day All-Star was hard on me, and the next day it was Sugar Monkey.  Lots of time it was both of them.  But holidays, vacations, school breaks -- those were the worst.  And I just *wanted* for our family to have these happy spells the way other families did, but there was a rain cloud parked over our family that never left.

3.  You don't feel hopeful about your kids' future.
I was seriously worried about both my kids becoming adults.  Sugar Monkey broke things when he got mad, so I worried he would one day be reckless with cars, with girlfriends, with all kinds of things that matter.  All-Star worries until it makes him sick, and I would think all the time, 'he's never going to be a happy person.'

4.  I didn't want their affection.
I did.  That's not exactly the truth.  But I didn't want it the way they did it.  Sugar Monkey would rail against the world, beat his head on the wall, and then nary 5 minutes later give me hugs.  But I was still upset!  I didn't want his hugs after we'd had 20 minutes of bizarre tantrums.  All-Star liked to kiss my hands, which for whatever reason, gave me the creeps.  I would love real hugs or real kisses, but him grabbing my hand as I walked past him to kiss my fingers, made my skin crawl and I couldn't get over that feeling.  

I could probably go on, sharing all kinds of things that are utterly embarrassing and shameful.  But the truth is that if you're an adoptive mom, or a fostering mom, *hopefully* you'll have either a little bit of mercy for me, or you are in this exact same spot.

And I share this to say that there is HOPE.

That the God of the universe did not hand you a child 

that is beyond His ability to repair and redeem.    

And it is possible that we happen to have one of the best counselors around because he is pretty awesome, but it may very well be that if you reach out, you will find help that becomes the puzzle piece you've been missing all this time.

Bonding Part 2: Tips for Your Child

Last week, I mentioned that bonding is a two-sided coin: you're bonding your heart to the child's and the child's heart to yours.  There are different strategies for how to do each, but today I want to talk about some of my top ways to help promote attachment in your child's heart. 

As I mentioned in my post last week, one of the major components for bonding has to do with utilizing the five senses.  Our senses are what make memories, they are primal, and they reach the deepest parts of our psyches.  Activities where our five senses are involved are the richest experiences we have.  Let me walk through what I mean briefly.

-- Sight:  We want to be looking into one another's eyes.   I don't mean that everything has to be the staring game, although the staring game is a super-fun example if you are dealing with younger school-aged children.  I do, however, mean that we are fully paying attention.  I'm not multitasking and listening, while working on dinner.  I'm actually focused in, looking straight into my child's eyes with interest, as he talks. 

-- Listening:  We want to encourage activities where we are actively listening to one another.  Much like a game of Mother-May-I?, we are not just talking to one another, but we're paying CLOSE attention to what each of us are saying. 

-- Touch:  I mentioned this last week, but touch has amazing healing properties that we don't completely understand.  The more we touch one another, with shoulder pats, holding hands, back rubs at night, hugs, high-fives, the more we are connecting our hearts together.  When there is distance in our hearts, it becomes easy to avoid touching one another, and we have to be conscious of that exact problem, actively guarding against it.

-- Smell:  Activities that involve smells work their way deep into our memories, so activities involving food, the outdoors, lotions really are important.  Activities do not have be games, but can even be routines such as putting on lotion after baths, or using therapeutic oils. 

-- Taste:  Not to encourage poor manners, but activities or games that involve taste are important as well.  Playing games with food can be hilarious ways to reach into the deep recesses of our brains.

The only other aspect I want to add before I explain my top bonding strategies is that no matter which activity you choose or create, you need to know that it only counts as bonding if it's a positive, and even playful event.  If you're fighting or frustrated, then those negative feelings come through.  I liken it to the way that dogs can feel their owners fear and uncertainty through the leash on a walk.  You might not think it's coming through, but if your dog senses your uneasiness, then she will be uneasy as you pass through the tests of meeting other dogs, staying calm near passing vehicles, etc.  When doing bonding activities, you need to have fun.  It's imperative.

Now for my Top Strategies:

1) Nighttime routine:  When we had a teenager in our house, which was a semi-fostering arrangement, we said goodnight to him before my husband and I went to our bedroom for the night.  I would hug him.   It wasn't anything dramatic, but it was physical touch, it was routine.  I smiled; he smiled.  It was a beginning. 

My little boys have much longer routines, but my oldest likes to have his back rubbed as I sing him a song.  It wears me out because by bedtime, I'm ready to be done with the day, but it is so important to him.  It's not a happy good night if I don't sing him lullabies and rub his back.

My littlest likes to lie down and have my lift his head and arms into my lap into a make-shift, big-boy swaddle and we talk about the day as we snuggle together. I look deep into his eyes and we try to talk about only the best parts of the day and what we are looking forward to for tomorrow.  He gets a gleeful look in his eyes each night, as though these moments are the very best.

2)  Popcorn Toss:  This game always feels weird to me because I'm a girl, and the only ones I've ever tossed popcorn to are my dogs.  But the boys LOVE it.  There's lots of eye contact, food that you catch in your mouth, and tons of giggling!  Obviously, this game only works with school age and up, as you don't want to create choking hazards for little ones, but you could easily modify this with having a little child choose which hand a jelly bean is in and letting her eat it when she chooses correctly! 

3)  Walks:  Doing any kind of exercise together gives you time, free of distractions, to talk and engage one another.  It's outdoors so there's lots of smells, and exciting things you can look at together.  You might hold hands while you're walking, or laugh as you see them running ahead.  We have a walking trail in our town where we can stop and skip rocks in the river, climb boulders and play, look over bridges at fish and more.  But the idea is that we're doing it together.  I don't drop them at the park and sit from the bench -- that's disengaged, the opposite of what we want.  Instead, we're exploring life together.

4)  Cooking:  This works for all sorts of ages because you could make something like play dough, make cookies, or learn how to make dinner depending upon how old your child is.  But cooking is a great hands-on, smell-filled, delicious way to do something fun WITH your child.  The only element that might take away is if you're not focused on bonding.  If you're cooking dinner while helping your child make play dough, you're too distracted for this to count as bonding.  If you're in a hurry to get the cookies in the oven, so that you can get back to something else, you're too distracted for this to count.  Bonding is intentional, focused time together.  You have to make sure that whatever you're doing is a means to accomplishing intentional, focused time together.

5)  Movie nights:  Again, this can be adapted for almost any child over 2.  Although for the little ones, it might be movie half-hour, instead of movie night.  My kids LOVE me sitting with them (and really snuggling beside them) while watching a movie.  Lots of time these days I don't sit with them when they watch TV.  It's after dinner, and they watch ridiculously bad TV like Power Rangers, and I have things to do.  You know how it goes.  But on Fridays, we might grab a redbox movie, pop some popcorn, and snuggle under a blanket together while we spend 2 solid hours with food smells, and tastes,  and touching.  My niece of 2 years old, can have the same experience with a little cup of cheerios, and one 10-minute episode of Little People.  It's not about the length of time, it's about the quality of time.

6)  The Special Handshake:  Thank you to our family counselor for this one, but we have a special version of high-five with each kid.  It might be two fist-pumps and 2 snaps; or high fives up high, down low, etc.  They love it because it's a unique connection with their parent.  It's also great because it can be adapted to all different ages. 

There's really no limit as to what you can do as a means to bond.  You simply have to have fun, be intentional, and use your senses.  If those are met, then real bonding can occur. 

Make a plan to do large and small bonding activities every day. 
It's quite fascinating to realize how many behaviors our children exhibit that are rooted in attachment problems.  If we focus on the attachment, then we can make great strides in the behaviors.   It's all about being intentional.

Bonding: 10 Tips for You

Adopting moms and dads from all over the globe will share stories of the first time they met their child.  Some will say things like the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew you were my little boy.  Or they might say things like when your foster mom placed you in my arms, I just knew that you were my baby forever.  When I think back to my little boys, I remember when our adoption agency first let us know that these little brothers were ours.  That was it.  Any obstacle that fell in our way, any delay in bringing them home had to be, must be, conquerable because those guys were our guys.   They were our babies regardless of what the law had yet determined or what roads and bridges we still had to cross.

The moment we first met our boys, we saw them from twenty feet away.  We ran to them, and they to us, as though time and space had already separated our family for far too long.  They fell into our arms like it was a moment from a fairy tale.  They had seen our pictures as we had see theirs.  They had hoped in us the way we had hoped in them.

And even though the beginning of our story was marvelous, it wasn't long before we knew that our two little guys had been through more change and upheaval than any little boys their age should have ever been through.  Each time we visited (and we visited many times before the end), we stayed in a hotel together, and I remember how very difficult it was to get through our meals in the hotel restaurant because it was too hard to wait the 15 minutes before our food arrived, because one of the pair (they always take turns, even now) was always on the verge of a complete breakdown.  When Ray and I were there, we had endurance!  We had perseverance!  Our visits could only last for a handful of days, so we were at the top of our game for the whole of the long weekend.

But when we finally got home and the adrenaline had run out, 

but the behaviors and the meltdowns hadn't, 

we knew intentional bonding strategies needed to take place.

Bonding is a process of two sides: it's joining your adult heart to the child's, and it's joining the child's heart to yours.  Both are important and both sides need to be considered.

What I want to talk about today is the adult end of the deal.  Because, regardless of the child's age, dealing with behaviors (whether it's a non-stop crying baby, a biting and thrashing preschooler, a punching and aggressive preteen, or a withdrawn and emotional teen), it's all HARD.  

We imagine this perfect family with the mini van and the hugs.  

We imagine a grateful child and ourselves as grateful parents.  

We imagine fishing with our son, getting manicures with our daughters, 

sleepovers for our children, and holding hands when we walk through the parking lots.  

But sometimes what we actually receive is not this beautiful picture, but instead a very broken one.  Then we have to ask ourselves this crucial set of questions:

1)  Is our goal and motive for having a family for self-fulfillment only, primarily?

2)  Is our goal for our child to be 'normal'?  What is our hope for our child?

3)  What role do the opinions of others place on our hearts?

4)  Can we let go of the imagine of perfection and trade it in for what's real?

5)  Can we see our role as parents the way God sees his role as our Father?  (i.e. forgiveness, mercy, guidance --with a goal of salvation and maturity, not job status, manners or other human determinations on the value or significance of a life?)

If you're in it for the long-haul then here are some tips for how to bond YOUR heart to theirs.  Keep posted for the flip side of this and we're talking about bonding THEIR hearts; that post is coming soon.

1.  Take pictures

It doesn't matter if they are with your phone camera, or with the latest high-tech Nikon.  If you take pictures, all the time, and look back on them at the end of the day, then those smiles (even if there were only 3 in the whole day) look precious.  Pouting lips can be kind of adorable.  Sleeping baby is oh-so-darling.  Preteen or teen reading or doing homework fills your heart with pride.  

In the tasks of the day our hearts become bombarded with the bad behaviors our kids exhibit.  We get weighed down by the crying, or the anger, or the constant frustration.  

But pictures help us forget the bad and remember the 5 seconds of good that happened -- the 5 seconds of sweetness that we otherwise would have forgotten.

2.  Remember the five senses

It sounds kind of dumb, but it's the way we make memories.  We're rushing through the Walmart parking lot holding our little one's hand.  Take a moment and think: how soft is his little hand?!  how small are her little fingers in mine?  how sweet is his little voice when he asks questions?  

Or when you're getting ready to do mealtime prayers with your teen -- think how grown up he's already getting.  Listen to how deep his voice is becoming, feel how strong his hands are now.  

For the baby, smell that sweet smell of Johnson's baby shampoo, or listen to the sweet sounds of the baby as she drinks from the bottle or sucks her little thumb.

The moments pass by quickly, so when they are there, you have to intentionally savor them.

3.  Pray together for the child

I pray a similar prayer for my sons each night before bed.  You can obviously adapt it for whatever age child you have, but the act of praying aloud helps my boys to know my hopes for them.  It reminds me of my hopes for them.  It appeases some of my own anger, the way only prayer does.  And it asks for God's intervention, which is our only hope.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask you to watch over little All-Star as he sleeps.  Help him to rest knowing that You are always with him, wherever he goes.  I thank you for how You brought him into our family and how I know You are changing all of us everyday to love each other better.  Wrap Your arms around him and help him to grow up into the man You would have him be.  Be with the little girl who he will one day marry and help her to know You and grow in You every day. (This makes my sons giggle).  We love You with all of our hearts.  Amen.

4.  Do fun things YOU like to do (together)

Do you like going to the movies?  Take your kids to the movies and have a good time together.  

Do you like getting ice cream? -- Make that a weekly treat together.  

Huge Starbucks fan?  Take your child to get an apple fritter or a cake pop there! 

Little eating dinner out?  Go!

Sometimes we become trapped in fear that our kids are going to act out when we go into public.  Yes, we need to do things that our children like, but that's another blog post away.  Don't give up the things you like to do out of fear.  You don't have to make the child do what you do: if you love soccer, and your kid's a book worm, then go play and let your child sit in the stands reading.  If you love ice cream and your kid is allergic to dairy, grab him a brownie and love on your ice cream! 

Our kids' worlds can become really small because of how their fear prevents them from doing so many of the things we like to do.  But that doesn't mean that your world has to be equally small.  Make adjustments.  Find a restaurant that's kind of quiet, or that has a back room you can use for just your family.  Adjust, but don't give up all the things you love because it's harder than it used to be.

5.  Make a life book

Really.  We all learn we should make one when we go through classes before an adoption.  If you hadn't heard about it, or have forgotten it, a life book is a private book solely for your child and whomever your child wants to share it.  It's the story of his or her life: including the information you know about past foster families, the birth family, the biological and adoptive parents and siblings.  You're putting the pieces together of a fragmented life and making it cohesive again.  The benefit of it is that in working on it, you are reminded of where he or she has come from (which we forget when in this midst of rages and fits), it is you doing something that will be a blessing for the child (which warms your heart), and it helps YOU as well as the child to focus on the positive moments and events.

6.  Touch

This is especially harder when you have a teenager because they don't naturally come to you for snuggles, but try to set yourself a numeric goal for how many times you touch one another in the day. Maybe today, I want to try to touch my child in some way 10 times.  This isn't something grand and dramatic, but might be as little as a shoulder pat when you walk by, or a kiss on the forehead.  It could be a little nudge at the dinner table or a high-five when something good has happened.  The therapeutic properties of touching are astounding, and it's remarkable how well we can avoid touching or making contact when we aren't bonded with another person.  Setting daily goals, increasing those goals, and being intentional about trying to make physical contact are great ways to bond.  

** As a side note, when my youngest is very angry, (and I'm not too angry to have forgotten), I have him hold my hand (while he's in the corner and while looking at me as I think of how to deal with the problem.  I start to calm down and so does he.  It's kind of magical.

7.  Smile

When life is hard, we stop smiling.  I'm not trying to tell you to fake it.  That doesn't do anyone any good.  BUT if you can try to smile, it physically affects your own heart.  For instance, if your kids have been  experiencing numerous behaviors and your worn out, but they have been sent to their bedroom, or they're outside playing while you make dinner.  Take a few minutes and just PRACTICE smiling to yourself while you cook.  No one is there watching and it is really therapeutic.  Then, when your child returns from outside or wherever, try to greet that child with a smile -- even if it just lasts five seconds.  It makes a difference.

8.  Do little gestures

Everyday try to do something sweet for your child.  Cut her sandwich into a heart shape for lunch, or stick a post-it into his school agenda saying, "Good luck on the test today!"  Make meals fun -- like having a finger-food snack lunch, or make dinner rolls shaped like bunnies.  Search Pinterest for ideas, but keep trying.  It may not always go over the way you imagine that it will, but each time you try, it feels good in your heart.  That's big.  And even if only half of them mean something to your child, that's something!

9.  Keep an accountability log

My husband is a teacher.  Not just any teacher, but a great teacher.  He once read a book by Parker Palmer called, The Courage to Teach.  The idea was that when students said unkind things or made your weeks and months worth of preparation feel like an utter failure (because they are keenly built to be able to do that with some eye rolls, and sarcasm), then our tendency as humans is to take a step back and put up a wall.  You can't do that as a teacher and you can't do that as a parent.  It's the path to losing.  You have to have the courage to take the next day with another brave step forward.

How can you do that as a parent?  Keep a list.  Every day right down one way that you TRIED.  It's not a list of begrudging your child like, "I picked up his dirty clothes off the floor again and he didn't even notice."  That's going to send you down a defeatist path. 

Instead, make a list that looks like:

3/15  Set up a playdate with Mark

3/16  Made kids a super-cool choco-mint smoothie for the holiday weekend

3/17  Had movie night with popcorn

Get the idea?  If you can start the list, it will keep you focused on making each day intentional.  And when we DO sweet things, then sweetness fills our hearts.  The more we're choosing to love, the more love begins to fill our hearts.  But we keep on choosing, no matter what.

10.  Get breaks

It sounds silly to say that getting time away from your kid is going to help you LOVE your kid, but it's the truth.  When you're away from anything, you start to think about the good aspects with some sentiment and nostalgia.  Not only that, but your heart can have a little time to do some restoration if it's been under fire.  

We all need breaks.  But when you're parenting a hurt kid, you need to be intentional about planning breaks.  Once a six weeks will not do.  So involve your close friends and family, hire a babysitter if you can.  Make a plan and act on it.  So that you can take care of you.

Hurt Kids

This is Sugar Monkey.  He always reminds me of a coin.  On one side, he is the MONSTER LOVER OF KISSES, will hug you infinitely, talks in a sweet voice, wants some candy or sweet thing to munch on, and will snuggle on up with you.  I LOVE that side.

On the other side, the flip side, he's  . . . well, . . . he's quite a bit like a two-year-old hankering for a spanking. 

Thanks to our marvelous family counselor, which side of Sugar Monkey we get is no longer as random as a coin toss, and no longer as split as 50/50.  In fact, the more we learn how to love our little man better, we see 'the flip side' slowly disappearing.  Woot woot!

Here's what we've learned about our hurt little boys:
      *  If you love on them the right way, they get better. 
          It's a bit like moving a boulder, but it's completely do-able.
      *  How their pain is evidenced throughout their lives still continues to boggle my mind.  I'm  
          always looking at our counselor and learning, 'oh!  This is part of his attachment issues, too?'
      *  Choose your battles.  Their heart is what's at stake -- not their manners, or their behavior in
          school (those are all BIG, don't miss what I'm saying) but his heart and soul are the foundation
          we need to focus on.
      *  Loving a hurt kid will undo your type-a personality, and your micromanaging, overly ordered
          way of thinking.  I have this need to be in control, of everything.  It's not healthy.  And heaven 
          knows God is using these two little boys to help me learn to let go.
     *  What people think of you, your parenting, and your child is not important.  Whoa.  Take it in. 
          People aren't used to dealing with hurt little ones.  They think in terms of the standard model
          of development and when you're kid isn't a cookie-cutter of the other kids -- well, judging eyes
          might follow you around.  But you have to guard that precious heart of yours and just know
          that you might still be undoing what had been done the first years of your child's life.  And
          that's more than okay -- that's magnificent.  So instead of wasting time getting others to
          understand, just walk along and do what God has ordained you to do -- love your precious
         child. 
     *  Never stop learning.  Yeah, we know you took those classes before you adopted.  But until it's
          right there in your kitchen pitching a fit, then half the things you heard about, you probably 
          forgot.  Keep going to attachment classes; keep reading those adoption books.  Keep meeting
          up with other foster and adoptive moms or dads.  Don't think you've got it.  Because unless
          you're a family counselor, or have some otherwise appropriate degree, the rabbit hole of hurt
          goes deeper than what we think we understand.  Promise.
     *  Focus on the positive. (More on that in a coming post!)

Oh!  Time to pick my kids up from school!  Yippee!


** When I mention, "the right way" earlier, I mean that we don't just love our adoptive kids the same way we love our biological kids.  They need more.  And if you learn how to love them to meet their social and developmental needs, then the floodgates of potential and promise pour out from there.  :)

The [Secret] of Marriage

My sweet husband and I have been together for over a decade and when we talk on the phone, my office mate jokes that we're sappy together.  We don't do it on purpose, but I'm glad to know that we're still going strong after the honeymoon phase has ended. 

Lately, I know a number of people, however, who have been divorced or are in the process.  I know divorcees who are struggling with dating and finding their 'perfect' guy.  And the irony is that Ray and I are some of the most imperfect people.  We have strong, close-knit family who will vouch, not only of our strengths, but our weaknesses as well.  And heaven knows that if you look at us, we aren't cover-worthy of Cosmo.

But when I think about what keeps us going well, there are a few things that really stand out.  Perhaps they are secrets, perhaps they're not.  I do, however, think they are key -- not only for us, but also for the marriages that I see splintering away.

1)  We love Jesus.
If you don't know Jesus, then this might seem like the silliest thing in the world.  It's not that we just have a common hobby, but our love for Jesus determines not only how we spend our time, but also how we treat one another, how we perceive one another, how we see our roles in the relationship, and so much more.  It's so utterly essential and so completely foundational that without this, DH and I wouldn't have made it through our first three years with one another.

In fact, our relationship with our Savior has brought us through a prime-time news controversy during our adoption, cancer, lawyer drama after the death of a loved one, and some significant struggles raising our hurt little boys.  Jesus not only held us together, but held us up when we didn't have enough strength on our own.

2)  We don't fight lightly.
When two individuals enter into marriage, they become more than they were apart.  I honestly believe marriage is greater than the sum of its two parts.  It's not just about you anymore; it's about US.  So you have to start thinking about what's best for both of us, not just what is best for me.  When we feel agitated, grumpy, frustrated, annoyed or whatever transient feeling is there -- then Ray and I often keep it to ourselves.  That being said: we don't bottle it up, either.  We deal with things of importance, and the things that disappear with a good night's sleep, we let go. 

When there are things that are important, we don't explode on the other.  We don't let it get out of hand so that we say 20 things we might regret.  We don't fester about it and let our hearts turn into knots.  We do, however, talk with one another with a twinge of fear, or healthy respect, for the fact that our mutual trust, respect, and love are on the line.

Dear husband and I don't always agree.  No two people always do.  But we also don't need to fight over someone getting home 5 minutes late, or leaving the toilet seat up.  Our marriage isn't worth a fight over something so petty.  I know a lot of people that hang their hat on being right.  For the sake of marriage, give that up.  It's better to get along, than to fight to the end and be right. 

3)  We apologize (and forgive).
Sometimes I will speak sharply because I'm really frustrated with something else, or someone else.  Sometimes he will huff and puff from exhaustion, not irritation.  But the moment we realize that we over-reacted (even if we still don't think we were wrong), we apologize for what we should have done differently.  That's big.  Sometimes our biggest obstacle in overcoming a disagreement is not the disagreement at all, but the hurt feelings in how we shared the problem.

4) We play together.
We refuse, intentionally, to be people who work and come home just to become roommates with divvied up chores.  Every night we put away the laptops and we talk for the 10 or 15 minutes before we fall asleep.  Once every 2- 3 weeks, we go on a date night where we talk and hold hands and eat and laugh.  On the weekends, we do family things together: we take walks, or go sledding, or visit other family.  We do it together.  We're partners and we have to remember that, always.

5)  We're thankful.
We thank each other.  A lot. 
We attempt, at any rate, not to take each other for granted.  Ray did some laundry and my clothes were clean: thank you!  I got the coffee pot ready for the next morning: thank you!  Ray came in and dealt with the same children who were frustrating me: thank you!  It means something when we help each other out.  Sure, it's expected -- but if we treat each other like it's expected, then it's hard to help with a joyful heart instead of simply a dutiful heart. 

There it is.  My top 5 for a healthy, lasting marriage.  I don't know if these things are deep secrets, but they certainly are pivotal.  Ray and I do a ton of other healthy things: we eat almost all of our dinners together at the table, we call each other during the day, we're best friends, we do big chores together, we both pitch in, we both do things outside each other, and so much more.  My top 5, though, are just things that I think I see a lot of other couples losing, and it breaks my heart.  If you invest in one another instead of looking at the relationship based on how he or she makes you happy in the moment, then you'll have accomplished so much more than so many others.  Start there.

The Parent Rap

Listen, I've seen it before.
Probably you have, too.
But on a Saturday when I'm dishing out chores to kids who think that's what a mom and dad are for, and don't like their kid-friendly lunch because it's not Wendy's, well . . . .
Perhaps you need to watch it again.  I know I did.
For laughs.
Because today we NEED to laugh.

When the light begins to fade

I get discouraged sometimes with all of us as humans.  I get discouraged when I see our weaknesses.  Social media brings me more awareness than other aspects.  I scroll Facebook to see 'funny' photographs that poke fun at someone else's expense.  I see rantings and judgments from people about politics, the weak in our society, the immigrant, the poor, the disenfranchised.  Somehow the voice and anonymity of being in cyberspace allows us to reveal the essence of our core.

Like drivers on the road, hidden in our cars, express all-too-quickly our rage, frustration, irritation and lack of mercy with others.  We snuggle in behind a steering wheel and shake fists at strangers, unknowing what emergency or consuming trouble may be overwhelming their mind as they drive.

We judge.
Quickly.
Harshly.
Mercilessly.

I love the Casting Crowns song, "City on a Hill."  The message is simple: the more we listen to one another, the more we understand, the more we become the people God intended us to be.


It's always the simple declarations that Jesus gives, which are so simple that we learn and forget in the same moment -- always attempting to learn again.  Love one another.  Three simple words that shake the foundation of who we are and how we live each moment.

Love one another as I'm driving to work in rush hour traffic and I'm going to be late because I'm stuck behind this person going below the speed limit.  Love one another as I'm sitting in church and they're asking us again for money for some other group of people in another part of the world who are starving, but I just gave my tithe, and I just gave for my kids' school yearbooks and I just got new tires on the car.  Love one another when gun laws change, or healthcare changes, or a new president comes into office.  Love one another when my neighbor trims my bushes touching his yard.  Love one another when the referees aren't calling the game right ---

You get the idea.
We learn and forget.

But what happens if we don't forget?
What happens if we find a way to see people the way that God sees people.  Each moment we walk through life and all we see is another broken soul who might one day be a worshiper of Jesus -- just might be, if we speak kindly, and love whole-heartedly, outside of ourselves.

How do we get to that place?
How do we begin to see others the way Jesus does?
How do we look past our disagreements, our personal frustrations and see the world from God's perspective?

Prayer is my only answer.   Not a little prayer.   Constant, daily, walking and talking with your best friend prayer.  On your knees or jumping for joy prayer.  Praying while we drive to work, praying while we cook our family's dinner, praying while we vacuum, while we get the mail, while we dry our hair.  But prayer is the answer. 
We always need more.
More connection with our heart's love.
That is what will save us all.

Birthmom

Sometimes we are all quick to judge.  Ann Voskamp, (I'm still reading her book, slowly, savoring), talks about looking at life through God-focused lenses and changing our perspective.  It's easy to look at birthmom and think, "she ought to do the right thing."  And we think, in all of our pride and human arrogance, that we know what the right thing should look like, feel like, be.  But if we take a moment to change our focus, we can see the same information entirely changed.

This birthmom, Callie Mitchell, shares her story bravely, unfiltered, and with humble courage.  It's impact is mighty.  She chose to place her baby for adoption and recorded a video journal of the experience; it is remarkable in many ways. 

A woman called me the other day.  She knows someone contemplating abortion -- could I be of any help?  What words do I say to comfort a woman heartbroken over another's choices?  She wants to do  something; I can feel it.  She is powerless.  And I cannot give her power.  Not much.

I pass along information.
Information can have power potentially.
How much is hard to say.

It takes bravery to bear a child, and bravery still to gift that child to another.   And we pray that this young woman, wherever she is, finds bravery, strength and courage.  We pray that fear not guide her, that fear not win the day.  Fear can be so powerful and so crippling.

And we, who know Jesus, can trust with certainty Isaiah 41:10:

So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Wherever this young woman, with life growing inside her, we pray she hear these words and know that she is not alone.  There is courage deep within, and a God who loves her regardless of anything she may tell herself.