While You Wait

After deciding whether or not to foster or adopt, our agency is bound to pass along a batch of paperwork the likes of which can only be compared setting up a mortgage on a house. It's daunting at best!  Normally, any internal debate we have about adopting and fostering happens before the paperwork, so once it's handed over, we race wildly to get it all done.  We're ready.  We want someone fill us in on the mystery of which child God is placing in our lives.  The faster the paperwork is done, the sooner we are to having our placement.  Right?

It feels that way, but once we finish the race of paperwork, we enter into this unsatisfying lull of waiting.  It's crumby.  And it's a let down from all the excitement of finishing our checklist of signatures.  However, whether or not your waiting lasts a week, a month, a year or much longer, there are definitely some things you can, and should!, be doing while you wait.  Here's the top 15 to get you started!

1.  PRAY!  Every single day, you should be praying for your child, his/her birth family, your family, and those in social work and government who are making decisions that will affect your lives!  I honestly believe that adoption and fostering are so close to God's heart, that the Enemy attacks and the more praying you can do, the better.

2.  Prepare the room.  You might be mapping out a brand new nursery or setting up for a teenagers.  Either way, you have a lot to do to get ready!  You may need a new coat of paint on the walls, furniture, bedding, etc.  You may even need to evaluate areas around the house that might need to be expanded.  Does your kitchen table seat enough for your new family?  Does your car?  There are lots of things to begin thinking about as you add members to your family!

3.  Get out of debt.  This may not be possible in the amount of time you have to wait, but the more you can work towards this goal, the better.  Adding a new family member is going to add a level of stress to your finances.  If your finances are already a considerable stressor in your family dynamics, then it would be wise to take your waiting time and make some large strides in reducing your family spending, and setting aside money from your paychecks to get some headway on your debts.

4.  Fundraise.   If you're adopting domestically or internationally, then there are some hefty expenses coming your way, and using the 'get out of debt' mentality, fundraising is going to be a great way to alleviate some of the burden those costs make on your family.  Even if you're adopting out of foster care, and have no direct fees to pay, fundraising is still an applicable option for your future costs of new diapers, clothing, etc.  There are loads of adoption fundraising organizations out there, as well as direct sale businesses that allow flexibility for when you work, but might be great avenues for putting away a little extra cash.

5. Research adoption and cultural events in your area.  Many churches celebrate Orphan Sunday in November of each year, and many local fostering agencies put on Adoption Saturdays and other fun, local events to bring adoptive families together.  If your child is coming from another region in the world, also check into cultural events, such as multicultural celebrations or parades.  These are going to be great ways to build yourself a network of friendships, but also allow your future child to meet adults and children with similar backgrounds.

6.  Take some pregnancy photos!  I'm serious!  Just because you're not biologically pregnant, doesn't mean you aren't expecting!  Make the most of it.  There are MANY ideas out there.  Check out Pinterest, talk to a photographer or other adoptive moms, and get some ideas!  Celebrate this special moment in time where you are.

7.  Educate your friends and family.  While you may be reading all about adoption, the issues of children from hard places, the lingo that's politically correct, and how attachment works, you're family may not be!  Clip articles for them as you ready them, or share strategies you plan on using, so that your family is not alienated, confused, or accidentally steps on your toes once you bring your child home.

8.  Build a support system.  While we always want our siblings and parents to be excited about our adoption decisions, oftentimes they are candid about their apprehensions.   No matter how your family feels, you NEED a support system.  While you're waiting for your placement, start meeting with other foster or adoptive moms who have used or are using your same agency.  Check out yahoo groups, or ask around if area churches have an adoption ministry.  Go out to coffee with an adoptive mom, or invite a fostering family over for dinner.  Do things to build your network, so that when you have questions, you have more than one person to call on for help, advice, or ears to listen.

9.  Be an advocate.  My friend, Sophy, has a hair salon and she talks endlessly about adoption.  She loves to bring it up, and because she does, she's met all kinds of mothers who have adopted and fostered.  She's talked with all kinds of different birth moms with intentions of relinquishing their parental rights, and counseled with moms who've experienced abortions.  Because she has been so open in discussing this subject, she has been able to point parents to our ministry, connect birth moms with resources, and more.  The more you talk about it, the more you find out that God has placed numerous people in and around your life that have been touched by adoption, and this will help create your support system, as well as maybe encourage more families to adopt as well!

10.  Research attachment.  Whether your new child will be 5 days old when you receive him or her, or whether your child is 17, it would be a wise choice to learn about how to better attach with your child.  Some mothers feel an instant connection with their children, and others need time for that relationship to build.  Children are the same way.  For both your sakes, it's good to have some planned strategies ready for how to help foster connections, build affection, and bond with your new child.

11.  Research the local school system.  If your new placement is school age, then you might want to research the local schools to learn about their diversity, the in-school and after-school programs, and multicultural and language support systems.  Not only that, but you might want to begin having conversations with your school's guidance counselor and administration about your child is he or she may need to enter a grade that does not match his or her age.  If you already know your placement is going to have special needs or language supports, then it's good for the school system to have a plan of action that's ready to go when your child arrives.

12.  Write letters.  Even if your new child is going to be a baby, consider writing weekly letters to him or her, storing them in a box, in order to present them to him/her at a later date.  Children who are adopted often experience a level of loss when pieces of their personal history are unknown.  What a great gift it would be to be able to say, I wasn't there when you were in your birth mom's tummy, but I loved you even before I knew you!

13.  Make a photo book!  Babies can see black and white, and I've seen moms make laminated photos of set them inside the crib for the little one to look at.  My kids came to me at ages 4 and 5.  They LOVED looking at Shutterfly books we made that had their new aunts, uncles, siblings and grandparents in them.  We made each child a book, and the loved "reading" it at bedtime and throughout the day.  Even now, they still love those books, and looking through them gives them a wonderful feeling of nostalgia.

14.  Buy adoption story books!  For some parents, talking about adoption with their child is easy.  For others, especially parents who adopted children as infants, it's a little harder to bring up their adoption.  But psychologists and therapists agree, that the more discussion you have about adoption early in their childhood, the easier it is on the children to learn, accept, and even feel pride in.  There are great children's books that open those doors of discussion.  Go ahead and find them now and stock the bookshelves!  Then you can begin talking about adoption and singing adoption songs to your child even as they fall asleep in your arms.

15.  Check your FMLA policies at work.  Whether you bring home a baby or a teen, you AND your spouse are entitled to time off from work.  In the United States, employers are not allowed to discriminate between a biological child or an adoptive child (though a foster child might be different).  They are also not allowed to discriminate between the mother's rights and the father's rights.  Talk to your Human Resource director at work, and give him or her time to research your rights, so that you can make an educated plan of which spouse takes time from work, and for how long.