The Learning Curve

It's fascinating how you can read a book about attachment, learn the basics on a subject, and still forget the entirety when it comes to living it out.  I suppose it's like any other lesson in life: love your neighbors, be thankful in all things, turn the other cheek.  We learn and forget in the span of a breath.  I cannot tell you how many times I ask our therapist why my child behaves a certain way, and he explains some aspect of attachment that illuminates the world again.  Yet when Sugar Monkey doesn't play well with others, or All-Star is torn up with worry, I forget anew.

The learning curve is so much bigger than I ever thought it would be.

I started reading Ann Voskamp's, One Thousand Gifts.  Have you read it?  It's life-changing.  Well, it seems to be and I hope it to be life-changing.  I just pour over the pages like she's written honey of which I can't get enough.

I've started my own gratitude journal with the hope that it begins to transform my heart the way that it has hers.  Should you be interested, the title refers to an endeavor challenged to her to write down 1,000 gifts God had given to her.  Then her thousand-item list became lifestyle of gratitude.  She found the 'joy in all things,' about which Paul wrote, stems from thanksgiving.  The challenge lies in becoming a person who is indeed daily, hourly thankful.  It's a fascinating book.

Savor the little things, say all mothers, because the little things disappear all too soon.

little hands fetching to be held
wide eyes ready to play
arms lifted high, begging to be pulled to the sky
squeals of delight
little voices speaking, i love you

But when little men roar about a world from which they have fallen victim and then beat their chests against any perception of pain anew, it feels so easy to board up a wall of protection instead of waiting for the tears of relief, (which will fall in time -- just wait) and then to love and feel thankful for wet, tear-stained faces to smashing deep into the belly.

Hard.  But necessary.

Today we had one meltdown over homework before the neighborhood friends arrived to bring joy back to the day.  One meltdown with screaming and head-banging and tears that eventually slowed, then drifted into a stillness of regret.  Waiting for that stillness, I finally asked why we had that meltdown.  He said he saw he had one more bit of homework and it tipped him over the edge (in little man, absent of feeling words, vocabulary).  Now?  He's up in a tree with his brother and two neighbors.  And I'm thankful these boys have each other, that the tree holds four bodies mightily, that laughter squeals fill the neighborhood whether the neighbors like it or not, that my boys are safe and happy,
and that they are mine.
My messes forever.

To Be Continued

I have a lot to say.  Lots.  I've been in a funk that can only be described as saying that I think Satan has been attacking me.  Does that sound crazy?  It feel like there has been this spell where everything is negative, where I feel fed up, grouchy, flustered.  And then one day it seems all was lifted -- like I just stepped out & away from this horrible rain cloud that had been encircling and enslaving me.  The fresh air feels marvelous. 

So that being said, confessed, I have a million things that I keep thinking I want to post, but haven't.  So look out.  More is coming!

The Bedroom Mailbox

The bedroom mailbox 

I was talking to a friend of mine about some ideas I had regarding our kids.  There were lots of things we were throwing around at one another about devotions, journals, and the like.  One idea that she shared was that she and her daughter have a nighttime notebook.  If the daughter wanted to share some last-minute information, but it was time for bed -- or if the daughter wanted to say something nice to her mom -- she could write it in the notebook.  After the daughter went to sleep, the mom would write a reply back.  The rule was that no one was allowed to rip anything out of the notebook.  The problem was that her son never could buy into it.  He didn't like writing and just never much wrote anything down.

So this lead to me a different version of the same idea.  What about a mailbox where we could write little notes in the evening and get notes back?  Writing one idea on a scrap of paper seemed less daunting than a notebook, plus I didn't think my kids would ever go along with the idea of NOT ripping paper from a notebook.  It's one of their favorite things to do when they've finished a drawing.  

So I picked up these little index card boxes for $.25 each at Walmart!  YAY!  My youngest son set upon decorating it immediately -- even giving it a little flag on the side so that we'd know there was mail ready!  He wrote his name all over it and since I've taken to calling him Sugar Monkey, I only snapped a picture of his brother's "mail box," which he kept completely plain.  We stuck it their bedroom doors with some handy 3M Command sticky tape.

So far the idea is working.  I keep all their little notes and am planning on putting them in a book if we keep this up.  I'd love for this to me a routine in our family -- a great way of bonding even when it's been a bad day.

2013 New Year's Resolutions

I generally make a list at the start of the new year for things that I hope to improve upon or to start.  I don't have any misgivings that in creating this list, I'll somehow transform myself become the person God had intended for me to be, but I find it's a super-good starting place to have a routine time to take inventory and self-evaluate.  Then I can start or modify practices so that God can continue to mold me.  Heaven knows there's lots of work to be done!

So here's the list.

2013 RESOLUTIONS

1.  Make my daily quiet time a SACRED time -- 

that it be the same time every day and not just when I can fit it in.  I hate to admit this, but I'm super-bad about squeezing in lots of important things, and this should not be the case!  If it's important, then there should be priority in scheduling.  It just makes sense, right?

2.  Continue my weight loss.  I'm down 20 lbs. with 

a goal for another 20 lbs.  in 2013!  Isn't this on everyone's list?!

3.  Keep a reading log of the books I read -- with a goal of at least one a month.

(I read a ton online, but generally my trouble in reading books it that the library doesn't carry the new reads from the Lifeway catalog, and I don't always have room in the budget to grab my next wishlist read.)

4.  This is just for fun:  keep a running list of hilarious things my officemate says on a daily basis.  She cracks me up.  Today she said:  "I don't work for communists; I work for God!"  Don't even ask the context; it wouldn't make it any less hysterical. 

5.  SUPER-IMPORTANT, intentional focus on patience and humility with my children.  I hate to confess this, but my kids are extreme worriers.  Throughout the day it can often suck my joy, and by evening I find that I've lost my silliness and good spirits.  But this shouldn't be the case!  My joy should not be dependent upon the others around me.  I've been convicted about this a great deal lately.

What's on your list?  Do you have any exceptional ideas that I need to consider for 2013 or 2014?  I'd love to hear them.  Not that I fancy a large readership following my daily ramblings, but if you there and want to share, I'd absolutely love it. 

{Dream Big}: A Change of Course

Ray and I have loved leading the Empty Chair ministry at Fellowship Community Church.  In the years that we've been leading it -- 3 years to be exact -- we've had approximately 20 families who have begun fostering and adopting.  It's been incredible.  We've been able to have amazing guest speakers such as Stephanie Fast of Destiny Ministries and Robert Gelinas of Project 127 come to the church and share what God how God is using the church to make a difference in the lives of orphans.  We've also been able to do some incredible projects.  We partnered with Children's Hopechest and have sponsored 100% of the children there, sending our first team down this spring.  We were able to provide Christmas for over 100 foster children in over three counties.  And we were also able to establish an adoption fund for those from our church who have a desire to adopt.  What God has done in our little ministry in such a short time has been astounding.

But God has been calling us to more.  We have friends and family in different churches over our valley who do not have orphan care ministries.  The potential lies in wait and is burdening our souls to help incite and inspire these churches to action.  We've had local churches contact us asking for information on how to get started because they just aren't sure what to do first.  And it breaks out heart to see the Orphan Sunday website list only a handful of events happening within our state.

So over our Christmas break, Ray and I talked a lot about where we were feeling lead, and what the prompting looked and felt like.  And our decision is to launch a new ministry called 127 Place with the idea that we could use this additional ministry to empower Christian churches around the valley and the state with materials and resources for developing and partnering in orphan care.

Ray and I decided to really commit.  The plan is for me drop all of my part-time positions to only one, and commit the rest of this year to working on and developing this new ministry.

This is exciting and scary all at the same time.  But the potential for this ministry, and feeling called so strongly, has helped with our insecurities about lowering our salary.  We're still not up and running, but excitement is fueling us to move quickly and intentionally.  As we look to 2013, hopes soar and we dream big.

one small step for a child, one giant step for the moore boys

Christmas is a joyous day for families.  Between family getting together, bread broken and savored, gifts given and received -- not to mention the the joy of Christ's birthday, families' various spins Santa and elves and the magic of believing -- there's no way that Christmas could be anything but exciting and wonderful.

In our family, we LOVE getting together for Christmas.  We, honestly, love getting together for any good reason, and Christmas is no exception.  My mom makes fantastic food on Christmas morning.  We start with reading the Christmas story and then we take turns opening presents.  There are so many of us that taking turns makes Christmas morning last until mid day, when we break for a brunch feast.  Christmas has been a fantastic day in our family's history.

 Adoption has impacted our Christmas.  Our little guys are anxiety-ridden little ones and the excitement leading up to the holiday has always seemed to set them up for a let down.  It's ironic because there's nothing about their existence that has ever felt like they were spoiled.  They love their Nintendo DS and TV, but when they don't have it or when they've watched their max, they'd rather climb a tree than to play with anything else in their room.  Still, Christmases thus far have not fared well for us.  We tend to have some meltdowns due to exhaustion and disregulation.  Disappointment has almost felt inevitable even though I always spend days ahead of time talking through different scenarios and helping our little ones try to remember the reason for the season.

But do you see Sugar Monkey's face right here?
Happiness.
Blessed, lovely, and treasured happiness.

Not that happiness was bought or found in a present, but somehow we achieved a day where excitement was enjoyed and contentment was found in just being together and appreciating one another.  We did have two small meltdowns.  Little ones.  And they were over pretty quickly, mercifully.

God's mercy knows no bounds.

1 John 1:1-4, MSG

From the very first day, we were there, taking it all in

—we heard it with our own ears, saw it with our own eyes, 

verified it with our own hands. 

The Word of Life appeared right before our eyes; we saw it happen! 

And now we’re telling you in most sober prose that what we witnessed was, incredibly, this: 

The infinite Life of God himself took shape before us.

We saw it, we heard it, and now we’re telling you so you can experience it along with us, 

this experience of communion with the Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. 

Our motive for writing is simply this: We want you to enjoy this, too. 

Your joy will double our joy!

It's incredible to see God changing these little boys and changing our future and our family together.  It seems like such a simple thing to want: a happy holiday.  But this was HUGE -- marvelously and miraculously HUGE.  And I know that God is the reason for this change -- that He is working intently in the hearts of those little kiddos.  I'm truly honored, and completely undeserving to be able to watch how God is transforming us.

A Weekend of Family Fun

The official Christmas photo

This weekend has been a ton of fun -- good quality fun.  Saturday, we spent a ridiculously long amount of time trying to take our family photo.  As you can see, it worked out.

In the first batch, Sugar Monkey forgot to smile.  I honestly think he wasn't angry, he just forgot to smile.  Maybe he was bored or thinking about something else.

In the second batch, we had troubles with long shadows, and blurry photos.

But by the third batch, I think we were all just a bit silly and ready to be done.  So here we are!  Merry Christmas 2012!

Today at church, I was in charge of this awesome project where we made Christmas presents for kids in our local schools.  The school system is going to pass these out to kids who receive free lunches.  It was a one-week deal where we announced the project and picked the Christmas boxes up the following weekend.  We got approximately 300 boxes returned!  This evening we wrapped them and the boys were phenomenal.  As church members wrapped, they grabbed the wrapped boxes and headed to the other side of the building to stack and sort the boxes for the schools to pick up tomorrow.  They were incredible.  Just back and forth, back and forth.  By 7pm tonight, exhaustion was written all over their faces.

What I loved about it is that they were gung-ho to help.  We talked about how there are kids at their very school who didn't have money for groceries or Christmas.  We explained that the schools try to keep it very secret so that we don't know who are the kids who are struggling, but the schools even send (through local non-profits) food home with the kids so that they have something to eat on the weeknds.  After we explained all this to All-Star and Sugar Monkey, they were all about helping out.

Of course, it did help that we were having a pizza dinner beforehand.
:)

There are lots of times that it's hard to rally them into doing things for other people.  And so tonight felt like the way family is supposed to be.  We had a great time and it's a happy feel of exhaustion that has throughly wiped us out for the night.  I love it.

----
Oh, and for those keeping score.  Blogging about my peanut obsession has helped!  I've not been near my peanut tin and I've lost a couple more pounds!  I'll give a total at the end of this week, but I'm pretty psyched about weight loss starting up again!