Dependence On God

Something that I've been turning over in my head for weeks now is what it means to have dependence on God.  I think this question really arose in my head out of something that Katie Davis, adoptive parent and missionary to Uganda once said.  She was speaking about coming home to the US after being in Uganda and how she started to feel this distance from God.  It took her awhile to figure out what was causing it.  Then it occurred to her that in Uganda when someone is sick, they prayed.  When they were hungry, they prayed.  When it hadn't rained, they prayed.  Here in the US, everything is handed to us -- for as much as we often don't realize it, nor want to admit it.  We get sick, and we go to the doctor.  We are hungry and we can always get Ramen noodles no matter what's in our bank account.  It's raining, and we have shelter.  It's cold, and we have blankets, a thermostat and for some lucky ones, even a generator or a gas fire place.

We can take care of ourselves so we don't rely on God.

This has even had an impact on our prayer life.

Remember the Lord's prayer.  Give us this day our daily bread.  It wasn't: give us tomorrow's bread, next month's bread, or that fancy bread maker I saw on eBay.   We've stopped praying for what we need and started wishing for what we want -- changing our view of God from our provider into our Santa.  Somehow in our first world thinking it doesn't always seem like that big a step, right?  Today's bread is a need, but I'll need bread tomorrow.  And I'll need something to make the bread with, and brownies are just LIKE bread with sugar.  Everyone around me has brownies.  Is asking for brownies really too far a step from asking for today's bread? 

YES.

I'm not trying to get you to start being all nit-picky about your prayers.

I'm just saying that I've been really pondering what it means to really be dependent upon God.  And I think there are a few things that we should be trying to do.

1.  Praying boldly for our needs.

I think God calls us to boldly ask Him for our needs.  Often we think God is in tune with us and will ease our lives and give us what we need because He knows us and loves us.  Scripture counters that.  Christ often waited for the recipient to ASK Him; miracles were only granted by God once the prophets asked God.  We need to boldly come to Him and ask.

2.  Our daily quiet time with God needs to be sacred.

We often feel like if we're singing in the car to Christian music, go to church regularly on Sundays and participate in the occasional outreach project at church, then we are standing on awesome ground where God is concerned.  But the truth is that God is passionately pursuing our hearts and we won't be in a whole, dependent place until we seeking him daily.  And I know that lives are busy, but I also know that I make watching at least two TV shows a crazy-priority (like a can-someone-else-put-my-kids-to-bed priority!  Try not to judge.) during the week.  And if I can do that, why can't I make some time for God each day, too?  

3.  Our continual effort to "praying without ceasing"

The Bible tells us to pray without ceasing, but what exactly does that mean?  I think it means that we invite God to be part of every moment of our lives.  While we are in the check out line at the grocery store, we can pray for the disheveled elderly person in front of us who looks like she might be alone in life.  We can talk with Christ in our hearts as we help her load her groceries onto the conveyer belt and offer her a kind smile, or offer to help her to her vehicle.  We can ask God to help us understand mercy when our teller seems rude or crass.  We can ask God to help us see their brokenness and remind us of our own brokenness -- not to become haughty or judgmental. 

In these ways, we learn to depend on Christ for our existence in a modern world that tries to tell us we don't need God anymore.  What we need to know, though, is that this must be intentional.  This world, and the Evil One, will world diligently to steal our hearts from Him who loves us so -- who gave His Only Son.  Let us not treat this truth with a sense of triviality, but let it change us. 

Christ died for us.

Let us seek after Him and feel the joy of heart's first love.

Freedom: A Lesson from the Trenches

There are many lessons that I learn from my children, lessons that teach me about God's heart.  Being a parent can teach us so much if we are open to listening to His Voice.  Parenting a hurt child teaches us even more about ourselves that we would initially think -- more than I would initially think.  After all, how cracked am I?

Both Sugarmonkey and AllStar love control.  In fact, they crave control in almost every single aspect of their lives.  They would ideally control their rooms, their belongings, their conversations, their interactions with others, their friends, their family, everyone and everything.  Their deep desire to control stems from deep, deep fear.

Fear is a scarier thing to talk about.
Control feels like power.
Fear feels like weakness.

They fear vulnerability.  They fear inadequacy.  They fear insecurity.  They fear doubt.
Don't we all?

So their answer, heart wrenching and broken as it is, is this:  they choose to isolate themselves - dash away friendships and playdates except for the most of predictable ones or predictable situations.  Ban all types of activities that are brought with newness.  Stick only with something that has been experienced hundreds of times and met with the same experience in all those times.  ie. Only eat at the same handful of restaurants, eat the same few foods, talk with the same few kids, play the same sport.  Intact MANY rules.  i.e. Never let anyone in the bedroom where they could rearrange my things or break something that's mine.  Never go somewhere without tons of toys with me in case of boredom.  etcetera etcetera

And I share this with you because I look at my children and I pray desperately for their freedom.  They have become so entrenched in their fear and in their need to control that they have lost their joy.

Do we ever become the same?

Let me ask that again, and let's take some time to pause and reflect.  Do we ever become the same?
Do we try to control which line will get us through the grocery store fastest, which lane will get us home quicker, yell at the driver who is not driving the way we want them to drive (because we want control?)

And how often do we acknowledge the fears that are pacing around in our hearts -- will we be able to pay all our bills this month?  will there be enough extra?  does my spouse still love me?  will I ever find a spouse?  am I pretty enough?

Then we jump back to trying to control: make a budget!  try to diet!  read this new magazine on being sexier with my spouse and he'll love me more!

And in all of this God is there.
Waiting.
Speaking.
Saying -- depend on Me.

We don't even know what this means in our first world lives and yet ---
Here I am watching my children, wishing deep freedom for them.  And I can hear God's heart wishing the same for us.  Only we're confined in our brokenness.

Can we lay down our fears, our deep desires for control, and turn it over to Him?  Can we trust Him for the freedom that He longs to give?

Blogging: My Conflicting Desires

Me, astonished, at Sugarmonkey's amazing snowman that he made at his Grammy and Grandpa's house.

I struggle with blogging.  I want to write.  I feel like I'm called to write and have a desire to write.  I want to share my experiences as an adoptive parent because I feel like it's God ordained, and I want to be of some bit of help or service to others out there who may be walking similar roads as our family.  Yet the nature of our home lends me towards privacy.  Sometimes, the reactions of others towards our home makes me not only want to be private, but even secretive.  I won't lie to you when I tell you that I watch with envy sweet mamas with ideas as fun as ones I have enjoying sweet, lasting memories with their loved ones.  Our family spends lots of time trying.  We should call that the title of our book.  Trying: the art of loving those fearful of love.  

Honestly, I probably was never cut out to be an adoptive parent.  

I've never been one of those glass half-full people.  I always had an eye for weighty topics and concerns.  I asked my sister when I graduated college if she'd call all my college friends to let them know if I died one day, and she thought I was morbid.  I didn't mean to be morbid.  But I was more of a person who loved to read books and talk politics, than I was a person who shopped at chatted it up about cute boys and expensive flip flops.  

-- I didn't look down on those light-hearted folks.  I was generally too poor for the flip-flops, too self-conscious for the cute boys, and had my head somewhere else.  

In church, I would pray to God that he would make my heart after His heart.  I was cry during worship songs, asking God to take me where He would have me to go.  I just wanted God to fix me, and make me like these lovely, beautiful kind Christian gals that walked around college and spoke in gentle, hushed voices and always seemed to have southern grace flowing that I confused with Christian grace.  I wanted to be that.  (probably still do, honestly).

And then I met my darling husband.  And then we chose adoption.  And then our boys came home and our reality wasn't like the movie and the pictures of other adoptions.  Our boys struggled.  HARD.  

#rad

#anxiety

#ocd

#bipolar

#depression

So here we are 6 years and a little girl later.  And I feel like God is telling me that our stories and our lessons -- the ones darling husband and I have been learning for all this time are meant to be shared.  But I struggle with how to tell it.  At the end of the day, it's still our family.  It's our little guys who don't struggle because they are bad.  They struggle because they struggle.  And their struggle causes hubby and I to struggle.  (and the dog to struggle).  So please be patient and know this is our backdrop.  

God was never one that worried about our self-preservations, but He is ever concerned about our obedience.  I learn this anew all the time.

A Hundred Things . . . {the sin of prolonging}

I have a hundred things rolling around in my head.
Have you ever felt that way?
As in The Screwtape Letters I have a common vice that occurs when I feel God is prompting me in a number of directions, thoughts, ideas -- when I know I need to sit down a work it all out, pray deeply to hear his deep, sweet voice, and discern what it is what He's trying to stir so gently within me.  Instead of obedience, it's as though another voice whispers within me and says, "this is too important to do when you're not entirely focused.  Let's save this for LATER when you can devote all your attention to it."  And then later amazing stalls it's way into the distance.  It's a clever tactic that the Enemy has effectively used on me time and time again.  In my busyness I don't think about what's playing out before me.  Months will go by and I'm being disobedient to God.  

I want to *sigh* with exasperation at myself, but the truth is that lately, my life group has been reading The Story.  Do you know the one I'm talk about?

The Story looks at the major stories of the Bible from the beginning to the end.  And one thing that is so super clear when you go through the whole Bible instead of doing long in depth studies on small passages is that you get a clear sense of God's voice, God's holiness, and God's heart.

It breaks my heart that I fail him when he's been working since creation to be so intimately close to me.  How astonishing to me that I would put off speaking with the One with whom my heart years?

Do you do this, too?
Do you think things like -- God knows what's going on.  I don't have to tell him.  or  I really want to spend some time with God but these 5 minutes aren't enough, later I'll have REAL time to sit and pray, so I'll do it then . . .

My sweet friends, please don't be coerced into staying staying away from your heart's truest love.

Sometimes our lives feel like they are getting off track and it's because our hearts are not in line with His.  We might be going to church each week, hanging out with Christian friends, but not truly being intimate with the One with whom our heart was made to love.  If you're feeling like this is you, just stop where you are and tell Him how much you love him.

Father God, 
How amazing it is that you love me in spite of myself.
Please forgive me for not valuing our relationship lately
enough to make our time more of a priority.  Help me to 
talk to you constantly throughout the day because I know
that each moment is holy and significant when You are in it.
I love you.
Amen.

Surprised by Love: Overwhelming Support

After years of waiting, we finally brought home our little Chipmunk a few weeks ago.  Darling husband and I have been talking about her and dreaming of her since before we were married.  And now she's here and I am utterly, terribly in love.  Her cooing, and snuggles, her precious smiles that light up my heart -- well, if you've had a wee little one like this, then you know what I mean.

So many things are different this time around.  When we brought home All Star and Sugar Monkey we felt a wide array of feelings.  We loved them and wanted to play with them and pour our hearts and love into them, but there were numerous challenges as well that made us feel exhausted, overwhelmed, lost, even desperate.  I'm not sure if you can relate to those feelings.  This little girl, however, seems like a precious gift to remind us of who God is, who we are in Him, and to just bring an abundance of joy where many sore places in our heart needed a balm.

Can I tell you one surprise that I never expected?
Pause before I answer and let me tell you that Hubby and I never really fundraised.  We were busy with ministry and we didn't want to be a burden on our friends and family.  Often in our self-depreciation, we felt like we weren't sure if we had any close friends.  We do ministry, which brings us around people all the time, but we don't often really get to spend dedicated evenings with friends to just hang out -- we haven't in years.  We're a mess, I know.  So basically, we just felt like how could we really go about fundraising and asking people to support us when this was just *our* journey that we felt like we needed to go at alone.

But I was wrong.  In lieu of fundraising, we brought home Chipmunk and EVERYONE wanted to support us.  A friend set up a meal train and we had food brought in for three weeks!  People that I didn't know felt anything for us were bringing us carefully planned out meals in disposable boxes with paper plates and cups.  We had messages from people on Facebook from people whom I haven't seen in years asking if we needed anything, and what can they bring, how they can help.  We had neighbors bringing gifts of clothes and food.  I literally kept a list (for thank you card purposes, you know) of who all helped and had three pages of people.

Now, for you extroverts out there, that may not seem like a big deal -- but for introverted ole me, who practically only leaves the house for grocery runs and gas fill-ups (I may exaggerate) this was overwhelming and shocking.

And it occurred to me, as I'm slow to realizations, that our community wants to be part of adoption.  Our community -- yours and mine -- wants to share in our joy and be part of supporting this work God has placed on our hearts.  How silly of me to not trust that what God planned for us, He would support through the hearts of people in our lives.  How silly of me to have thought I was alone.  God never leaves us alone. Never.

So if you are thinking about adoption, consider being surprised by love.  Consider putting your heart out there and allowing the gift & blessing of others joining in your story.  You're not alone either.  Emanuel = God with us   It is His name.  It is his promise.  Don't make the same mistake I did and forget.