Perfectionism

I take a lot for granted.
That's been the lesson lately.  And I'm thankful for my life group that they've been letting me see that growing up in a Christian home, and knowing God all my life, has been an amazing blessing, really.

Background:  I met a family through the ministry recently who through familial circumstances took in children that were not theirs.  Their home has been put out by this brave and difficult undertaking.  It has been financially, emotionally taxing on the parents and their children.  So now they are ready for someone to adopt these children they have protected lately so that they can get back to their life, to the life they had prior to the disruption.  And they love these kids that they are looking for homes for; they just want to return to the comfort they had before.

And my feelings are not judgment and I hope I didn't write this background info in such a way as to cause you to feel moved towards judgement.  But what has dawned quite heavily on me is that I, as a Christian, know WHY I am moved and prodded to act as I do.  God in heaven loved me, and I am deeply, deeply trying to learn to love like Him.

And sometimes I'm so surrounded by others who are on a like path, a similar chosen journey and we speak the same jargon and our hearts beat with same love and grace that God has reached down and touched our lives with.  I forget, dear friends.  I forget that for those who don't know that deep love of Christ it's not about that.  It's only about the here and now, about doing for "my own" and for trying to enjoy my fleeting time -- certainly not taking on the responsibility of others.

And I'm so grateful that I know Jesus.  For a thousand ways, to be sure.  But today, I just feel so grateful that I know WHY I move daily.  Any heartache I struggle with is because I want the lesson to be over and I want to have things perfect now, but deep down I know that God is chipping away at all of the rough patches of our little family members -- molding us for purposes only He fathoms.

I told you in my last post (sometimes I dread posting and vulnerability that comes with it, so I'm sorry for the gaps) that I would tell you of our progress.  I am still journaling away.  Ray and I are debriefing daily.  Our sensory experiences and lessons from The Whole-Brain Child are working for connecting purposes with the kiddos and providing fun sensory opportunities for our sensory craver, Sugar-Monkey.  All-Star only participates if the activities are neat and not messy.  :)  He's a tactile avoider.  But here's where the progress is happening: in Ray and I.  Last night, for example, Ray started making a soap-box car with Sugar-Monkey, and little man's attention was focused happily for two hours.  A year ago, we would have wanted and expected All-Star and Sugar-Monkey to play together, or watch TV come 6pm, and let us get some work down now that dinner was over and it had been a long day.  But we're focused on spending all our daytime hours connecting.  Keep you posted.

Identifying the Meltdown

So I mentioned the other day that we are doing a little "lesson" with the kids each afternoon.  It's a bit of a misnomer.  The "lesson" is at most 5 minutes of talking.  After a long day at school + homework + deep desire for independent play, our boys' desire for metacognition is super low.  I know you're shocked because your kids would be ALL OVER a lesson!  :)  I won't lie to you; we use some bribery.  If our kids can listen to my small little spiel and participate kindly in whatever sensory play we do that day, then they get free TV time before bed.  It's a pretty awesome motivator.  

Yesterday, the "lesson" was on identifying the meltdown.  This is vaguely important for our kids, and exceedingly important for us as parents.  I don't want to mislead you to believe in thinking that I am under any impression that my kids are going to suddenly have a deep understanding of their innermost feelings, but I do feel like there's value in planting seeds.  And I think the more they are slowly aware, the more they will be able to being to articulate their needs as they get older and be more aware of how to regulate themselves.  

It is important for US to recognize what type of meltdown our kid is having, so that WE know how to respond, so here's my novice understanding of the types of meltdowns and if you have better knowledge from your research, I'm definitely not too proud to snub your input, so share away in the comments!

Making silly putty in today's family activity was a ton of fun.  Sugar Monkey chose purple for his color.  He squished on it later during TV time for some lovely sensory input that made my heart happy.  

Don't you love that little handprint?

The Three Types of Meltdowns

1)  The Temper-Tantrum

For my adopted kids, I have to say that this doesn't happen as often as you would THINK it's happening.  The temper-tantrum is what is seems.  It's when a kid wants something, was told no, and will pitch a fit to get his/her way.  The trick here is that the child is in full control, feels fully-connected to his parent, and yet is still attempting to use kicking and pouting as a way to get his way. I would say in our how this almost never happens, because of the fragility of our little guys.  

2)  A Sensory Meltdown

This happens to my kids far more than I ever realized until I was super attuned to it.  Whether we're in a room with lots of people, we're around people mowing outside and it's very loud, we've been at someone's home where there's too much TV and it's been too much visual stimulation, or someone's covers don't feel right, it causes a meltdown.  Unfortunately, my kids are horribly inarticulate at identifying the said problem.  Covers at night = I can't sleep and I feel MAD.  Too much TV time = everyone's annoying and I feel MAD.  You get the drift.  If you're little one is adopted, I highly recommend readying The Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz to really identify if this could be your kiddo and what to do about it.  :)

3.  A Fear-based Meltdown

This is when our kid steps out of control into his lower-brain and into fight, flight or freeze.  Just sharing wide-open, it has been just recently that I really understood those three states and how often my kids are in ALL of them.  You imagine "fight" with fists, but it can be words.  It's funny how what we assume about those three states are not exactly what they are until we learn fully.  What I'm slowly getting is that we have to wait for our real kiddo to emerge again (for my real All-Star or real Sugar Monkey to come out from his angry face).  Education is your best friend and I'd start with The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  If you aren't a reader, go for her DVDs and watch them in clips.  She has great stuff on Vimeo, too.  Go HERE.

If you can educate yourself.  Then you know how to deal.  :)  

By the way, today was a good day.  Ray and I think we see signs of progress, but it's early to share too much.  The journal is lengthy already and more is coming.