You would think that since I love adoption and find adoption beautiful, that I would want EVERYONE to adopt, right? I mean let's face it -- there are so many children waiting in foster care, waiting in orphanages and group homes that it would make absolute sense to know beyond a shadow of a doubt I want EVERY. SINGLE. CHILD to be adopted. And it would make sense to assume that if I want every single child adopted, then I would want every single person to adopt. But if you think that, then you are surprisingly wrong!
I don't want everyone to adopt. It's crazy, right? But I think I can explain it well enough. I think there are some indicators that you or your spouse might have that should at least make you want to pull the reins back and slow down that horse. Perhaps we need to re-evaluate. Perhaps we need to switch plans. Perhaps we need to work through a few things and start again.
Let's just go ahead and list some fundamental reasons that may not seem inherently bad at first glance, but might be some warning signs that you should not adopt. And I say all of this not to hurt feelings, but out of love. And if you bare with me, I hope I can explain my heart well enough that you don't dismiss me as a loon, but rather consider what I say.
1. You want someone to love you, always.
I get that. We all want to be loved. And it makes sense to think that adopting a child would fulfill that. But it doesn't. Healthy, normal children don't walk around all day adoring their parents. Children begin life focused on their own needs and it's through some rather difficult parenting to help children begin to think outside themselves and be concerned with others' feelings. But then to make things more difficult, children who have been adopted have been fundamentally hurt no matter how little you receive them. And that hurt makes bonding and loving all the harder. Adopting to fulfill a need within you is a ridiculously hard place to start. Adopted kids have a need within them that needs to be filled and you can't do that from a position of need yourself. You can only do it as an outgrowth of your stability and strength -- out of God's love being poured into you and overflowing from you. I know it's hard to hear, but if you want to adopt so that someone will love you, it's going to set you on a path that is extremely difficult to navigate.
2. You think it will bring you and your spouse closer.
It makes sense. You might think that things in the relationship are a little dicey, but if you just had that precious bundle to SHARE then it would make everything perfect. I can see how you'd think adopting a child might make the two of you a team even stronger than you are now.
But kids don't work that way in marriages. I hate to say it. Kids take all of your energy. They don't mean to, but they do. They can't sleep well at night, and little ones are always in danger of hurting themselves. It wears you out to follow them around all the time and listen to their childish nonsense. If you already have little problems in your marriage, having a baby doesn't make you prioritize. Instead it highlights the problems in bright neon yellow with flashing lights. No one has enough patience left at the day to feel forgiving and we're all grumpier when we're not sleeping. Responsibility is higher, stress is higher, time moves faster, chores are harder. Parenting is HARD. And you can't do that on weak legs; you just can't.
3. You are RESCUING a needy child.
Hold up. That's what adoption IS, right? How can this one be on the list???
Well, let me explain and you tell me if you feel like this describes you or not. You watch those Compassion or World Vision commercials, and you see those little babies with distended bellies, and you want to just save one, right? You imagine bringing this little one home who used to be starving, and you imagine this lovely child that is utterly thankful and grateful for all the bedding you provide, food on the table -- no matter what it is -- you imagine yourself as the rescuer.
If that's you, then tap the brakes a little bit and consider what I'm saying.
You can't just swipe up a kid from the streets and come home the hero. I WISH IT WORKED THAT WAY! I do. But these kids who have been hurt and neglected and abused and alone -- they NEED. They need more than clothes. They need more than food. They need more than love.
It's just not a rosy pink picture the way you might want it to be. The worse their situation used to be, the more attention, care and treatment they need to mend. And it's hard work. It's just not the same thing as babysitting the kid down the street. You see what I'm saying? If you're someone that wanted to be that hero, that's GOOD, but it's also temporary. The journey for this child is going to be long and hard. And you have to decide if loving this child is really about the child. Can you love with the kind of sacrificial, selfless, deep love that Jesus did when he died on the cross?
4. You imagine and want a child that will be a representation of you.
Who can help it, right? Dads want to throw ball with their sons. Moms want to paint their daughters fingernails, teach them how to bake, dress them in spring dresses. We can't help it to some degree.
But what if your child hates sports, or is a tomboy? What if you get a child that doesn't have your patience, or doesn't have your laid back attitude?
When adopting, it just can't be about you. If you desire part of it or most of it to be about you, you may easily find yourself in a situation that you despise. I don't want that for you, or for your child.
Here is the bottom line. It comes back to what David Platt says, "It is important to realize we adopt not because we are rescuers. No. We adopt because we are rescued." We can't adopt because we are needing anything from that child. We can only adopt as an outgrowth of love in our hearts, and a thankfulness for what God has done for each of us. When we adopt because we are committed to being the hands and feet of Jesus and we're ready to love until it hurts, then we're ready to bring these precious little ones into our homes. When we're ready to give them US -- every piece of our hearts -- then we're ready.
So where are you, my sweet friends? What motivates you to adopt?
When my sweet husband and I began the process of adopting the first time, we wanted to have children. And this was our way of doing that. But when we brought our boys home, it stretched and pulled us farther than we had ever been stretched and pulled in our lives. And we really had to discuss why we were persevering. Some people don't make it. And I don't want that to be you, or the little ones you adopt.
Adoption is meant to be forever.
