one small step for a child, one giant step for the moore boys

Christmas is a joyous day for families.  Between family getting together, bread broken and savored, gifts given and received -- not to mention the the joy of Christ's birthday, families' various spins Santa and elves and the magic of believing -- there's no way that Christmas could be anything but exciting and wonderful.

In our family, we LOVE getting together for Christmas.  We, honestly, love getting together for any good reason, and Christmas is no exception.  My mom makes fantastic food on Christmas morning.  We start with reading the Christmas story and then we take turns opening presents.  There are so many of us that taking turns makes Christmas morning last until mid day, when we break for a brunch feast.  Christmas has been a fantastic day in our family's history.

 Adoption has impacted our Christmas.  Our little guys are anxiety-ridden little ones and the excitement leading up to the holiday has always seemed to set them up for a let down.  It's ironic because there's nothing about their existence that has ever felt like they were spoiled.  They love their Nintendo DS and TV, but when they don't have it or when they've watched their max, they'd rather climb a tree than to play with anything else in their room.  Still, Christmases thus far have not fared well for us.  We tend to have some meltdowns due to exhaustion and disregulation.  Disappointment has almost felt inevitable even though I always spend days ahead of time talking through different scenarios and helping our little ones try to remember the reason for the season.

But do you see Sugar Monkey's face right here?
Happiness.
Blessed, lovely, and treasured happiness.

Not that happiness was bought or found in a present, but somehow we achieved a day where excitement was enjoyed and contentment was found in just being together and appreciating one another.  We did have two small meltdowns.  Little ones.  And they were over pretty quickly, mercifully.

God's mercy knows no bounds.

1 John 1:1-4, MSG

From the very first day, we were there, taking it all in

—we heard it with our own ears, saw it with our own eyes, 

verified it with our own hands. 

The Word of Life appeared right before our eyes; we saw it happen! 

And now we’re telling you in most sober prose that what we witnessed was, incredibly, this: 

The infinite Life of God himself took shape before us.

We saw it, we heard it, and now we’re telling you so you can experience it along with us, 

this experience of communion with the Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. 

Our motive for writing is simply this: We want you to enjoy this, too. 

Your joy will double our joy!

It's incredible to see God changing these little boys and changing our future and our family together.  It seems like such a simple thing to want: a happy holiday.  But this was HUGE -- marvelously and miraculously HUGE.  And I know that God is the reason for this change -- that He is working intently in the hearts of those little kiddos.  I'm truly honored, and completely undeserving to be able to watch how God is transforming us.

A Weekend of Family Fun

The official Christmas photo

This weekend has been a ton of fun -- good quality fun.  Saturday, we spent a ridiculously long amount of time trying to take our family photo.  As you can see, it worked out.

In the first batch, Sugar Monkey forgot to smile.  I honestly think he wasn't angry, he just forgot to smile.  Maybe he was bored or thinking about something else.

In the second batch, we had troubles with long shadows, and blurry photos.

But by the third batch, I think we were all just a bit silly and ready to be done.  So here we are!  Merry Christmas 2012!

Today at church, I was in charge of this awesome project where we made Christmas presents for kids in our local schools.  The school system is going to pass these out to kids who receive free lunches.  It was a one-week deal where we announced the project and picked the Christmas boxes up the following weekend.  We got approximately 300 boxes returned!  This evening we wrapped them and the boys were phenomenal.  As church members wrapped, they grabbed the wrapped boxes and headed to the other side of the building to stack and sort the boxes for the schools to pick up tomorrow.  They were incredible.  Just back and forth, back and forth.  By 7pm tonight, exhaustion was written all over their faces.

What I loved about it is that they were gung-ho to help.  We talked about how there are kids at their very school who didn't have money for groceries or Christmas.  We explained that the schools try to keep it very secret so that we don't know who are the kids who are struggling, but the schools even send (through local non-profits) food home with the kids so that they have something to eat on the weeknds.  After we explained all this to All-Star and Sugar Monkey, they were all about helping out.

Of course, it did help that we were having a pizza dinner beforehand.
:)

There are lots of times that it's hard to rally them into doing things for other people.  And so tonight felt like the way family is supposed to be.  We had a great time and it's a happy feel of exhaustion that has throughly wiped us out for the night.  I love it.

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Oh, and for those keeping score.  Blogging about my peanut obsession has helped!  I've not been near my peanut tin and I've lost a couple more pounds!  I'll give a total at the end of this week, but I'm pretty psyched about weight loss starting up again!

Sugar Monkey

Sugar Monkey is ridiculously creative.  I have no doubt that he'll grow up and work in a field where imagination is key, such as a chef or musician.  One day, I got a package in the mail, and Sugar Monkey asked if he could have the box.  He eagerly took it to his room, opened all the sides, colored it, glued things to it, and climbed inside.  He found a plastic dome that as part of another toy and placed the dome on his head.  Then he came out and presented us with an astronaut inside of his very own rocket.  He had a control panel for guiding the rocket, his space helmet, and was ready for travel.  It was incredible.

In fact All-Star was kind of jealous.  He asked for a similar box, but was quite disappointed that he couldn't devise a rocket as well as his brother.  It was quite a testimony to the originality that Sugar Monkey produced.

And even know, his favorite activities involve modeling clay, cooking in the kitchen, creating artwork, or making jewelry for his mom.  He loves decorating his room, much to his mother's chagrin, with stickers on the doors, and doodles taped everywhere.  And it's just pretty darn incredible that being sent to his room is never a death sentence because he always has his imagination.  Love that.

All-Star

All-Star is a tough guy.  He loves to rough-house, tackle, crash and anything else that seems like things only a hard-core boy would do.  But don't let all that wild child fool you.  Tonight almost broke his little heart because it was verging on too late for reading stories and he just loves to snuggle up on his bed and listen.  He wraps his little arms around mine as I read and then places his head on my shoulder.  His favorite books are non-fiction ones about various animals around the world.  One night he wants to listen to information about manatees, and the next we're learning about big cats in the wild.  It's fun to see this sweet and cuddly side to the same rough and tumble boy.

losing a little more?

So I've been doing this low-carb deal for a while now, and it has been long enough that I can tell my body is changing.  Not just losing weight, I mean that when I do eat carbs, they actually don't feel great on my tummy.  It's almost like I never knew how hard eating carbs is on my body until I got them out of my system.

But I've been kind of stuck as far as weight loss goes.  The culprit is obvious to me.  I love to snack on some delicious, crunchy and salty peanuts.  I know, I know, they are so packed full of fat, calories, protein and anything else you can imagine stuffing into a little nut.  They're wonderfully bad for you and I . . .  MUST . . . STOP.   Indeed, I must.  Here's my plan of action.  I'm actually just going to tell myself I'm stopping for 10 days.  That's not really hard, is it?  The reality is that I'm going to stop my snacking entirely for 10 days.  I think in that time, I can do a little version of a detox for my body and feel super-good and little-bitty before Christmas when I get to see all the family!

10 Days!  EEK!  Can you imagine how close Christmas is?  And I'm just utterly surrounded by junk food and delicious chocolate.  But here's the low down:  I've lots 20 pounds, held it steady, and I still want to lose a bit more.  Is it possible to lose 5 more before Christmas?  Maybe baby!

Thanks for listening.  If I don't write these things down, I'll go downstairs and eat another handful of nuts without thinking.  *laughs*  First rule of addictions: confession.  :)

Day 2: Why I Love My Kids

Sugar Monkey is a truly funny guy.  In this video, my husband calls me out and he says, "grab your camera."  So I'm standing there, camera in tow, and he says, "I want you to watch this leafpile."  So I turn on the camera and this is what I get:

He had me laughing so hard!  

I don't know where Sugar Monkey got it, but he is often looking for a laugh.  He is even moreso with his friends.  Thankfully, I haven't gotten any reports home of him trying to be the class clown!  His teachers seem to genuinely believe he's just a sweet kid.  Which he is!  And that's what makes his nickname so perfect!  Sugar Monkey to a T.

A Glass Half Full

I've never considered myself a negative person.  I feel like I'm always smiling, and always joshing around about things.  My sister might tell another story.  I once asked her to make sure she called my college girlfriends should I die and she thought I was morbid and refused.  Oh well, college gals.  If you don't hear from me after a few years, just assume the worst.

All-Star and Sugar Monkey

I tell you what though, as a parent, I think I'm realizing just how negative my general outlook can be; I'm sorry to say.  My kids have had a hard story -- not the worst stories I've ever heard, by any means -- but tough enough that I think they are phenomenal little miracles.  With all of that hardship, they are not without their scars.  We see their scars on a daily and often hourly basis and it wears us out.  I won't lie to you that in the day-to-day walk of life, hubby and I feel more exhausted by their "difficulties" than we have pity for their recovery.  

So this is what I want to do.  And bare with me as this is definitely more for myself than it is for you.  Just like in November, people all over Facebook shared one thing for which they were grateful each day of the month.  So for the rest of December, I want to share one thing a day that makes me so proud of my little guys.  It's an effort to help me focus on the positive, and maybe even help you guys get to know our crazy family a little bit.  

Don't worry, though, I'll post my normal stuff too.

Before I get to posting about all this, I want to give my kids some fun nicknames.  So in looking at the picture above, my oldest is on the left, and I'll nickname him All-Star.  My youngest on the right will go by Sugar Monkey.  I think those nicknames say a lot about them already, and if you don't get the implications, maybe over the next month you will.

YAY!  I'm so excited about this journey in sharing with you all the best parts of my kids.  

So here's day #1:

All-Star working on putt-putt

All-Star is a go-getter in a way that I have never been in my entire life.  While I sit back and worry about failure, about getting hurt (physically or mentally), my son wants to tackle life like we're on a football field.  The day he got his first scooter, he began to spend inordinate amounts of time practicing his scooter and had it mastered within days.  It didn't matter how often he fell, or how tricky the idea of it was at the beginning.  It didn't matter how young he was or how little he had for an example.  He dove headfirst into the project and didn't emerge until he was a successful whiz on the streets of our neighborhood.  

This makes me so proud of him.  I know that he doesn't give up when something seems hard and that puts him above the rest of the kids -- and makes him super-special.  Most of us want to give up when something seems hard.  But he doesn't.  He works it through until he's the one in charge -- not the fear that crumples the rest of us.  It's pretty stellar.  HE's pretty stellar.

i love adoption

sometimes i feel like i want to be part of something so much bigger than who i am and where we are.  and when i see a story like this one, it makes my heart flutter -- like they landed on something incredible and its very nature is compelling and inspirational.  this is family.

good mom, bad mom, or in-between?

My mom, still to this day, wants to help all her kids achieve dreams, meet goals, avoid disappointments, and live in some level of happiness or contentment.  When I was trying to figure out which college to attend, how much we could afford, and navigate that part of my life's journey, I still remember my parents having conversations.  My mom would advocate on my behalf, saying to my dad, "Honey, this is her dream.  We have to make it work."  When I was planning my wedding, we saw this side of her again.  I had planned for an outdoor wedding, and as the date approached, the skies were looking more and more ominous.  As I tried to prepare for plan B, my mom seemed fixed on trying to make everything work for outside, against all odds.  I asked her why she was doing this, and she said, "Kelli, this is your dream!  We have to make it work!  When I told her that my dream was only to get married to my best friend, and that it didn't matter if it was inside or outside, she quickly jumped plans and helped me with the brand new set up.  I wouldn't say that my mom tries to keep me happy to an absurd degree, or fix all my problems.  She's not that hands-on, and is fully aware that life tosses us about and we get bruised along the way.  But she has always been the peacemaker, the advocator, the one who cancels her meetings and appointments to make sure we're getting what we need.  And I want to be that kind of mom.

Kelli's Dad and Mom

My kids, however, do try to make that difficult for me.  *laughs*  My sweet little guys have been through a lot.  I don't know that they consciously think about it that way.  They just are who they are.  But as adoptive moms and dad, we've been educated to know that all of their manipulation, compulsions, desires for control and order, all stem from the trauma they've experienced.  

My kids live in some world of disappointment.  I was telling a girlfriend of mine that a few weeks ago my husband, Ray, brought home a coupon book from Wendy's for free frostys!  One afternoon, I decided to pick the kids up from school and go get a free frosty instead of heading home to do homework.  We were on our way and the kids were excited and we order our frostys, and they hand us these little cups of icecream that are super-tiny.  My eldest immediately is disappointed and wishes we hadn't even driven there to get a frosty if this was all we were going to get.     And all of a sudden, what was meant for a super-fun mommy-son bonding time for the afternoon is crashed to pieces.  And I have this feeling, that I am coming to believe is completely from The Evil One, that I am a failure because I couldn't even get a little fun moment to happen.  I might as well have asked the kids to clean the house and get the same response.

But here is what I *just* have learned and am trying to process and commit to memory:

Whether or not I am a good mother, 

is not dependent upon whether or not 

my kids are happy, or even joyful.  

Whoa.  That's big for me.  It's even weird to put it into writing, the concept is so new.  And goodness knows that I do try to be a good mom.  I do try to make fun moments when I can, to cheer them up when their sad, to make things better.  I almost always fail, but it's completely new for me to see this not as a condemnation on my part, but is one more way that their hurt is evident in our lives.

But we're working on that together: healing.  And we're always making new strides, small steps and bigger ones.  And I look forward (SO MUCH) for the day when we can be the kind of family that God always dreamed for us.