My sweet husband and I have been together for over a decade and when we talk on the phone, my office mate jokes that we're sappy together. We don't do it on purpose, but I'm glad to know that we're still going strong after the honeymoon phase has ended.
Lately, I know a number of people, however, who have been divorced or are in the process. I know divorcees who are struggling with dating and finding their 'perfect' guy. And the irony is that Ray and I are some of the most imperfect people. We have strong, close-knit family who will vouch, not only of our strengths, but our weaknesses as well. And heaven knows that if you look at us, we aren't cover-worthy of Cosmo.
But when I think about what keeps us going well, there are a few things that really stand out. Perhaps they are secrets, perhaps they're not. I do, however, think they are key -- not only for us, but also for the marriages that I see splintering away.
1) We love Jesus.
If you don't know Jesus, then this might seem like the silliest thing in the world. It's not that we just have a common hobby, but our love for Jesus determines not only how we spend our time, but also how we treat one another, how we perceive one another, how we see our roles in the relationship, and so much more. It's so utterly essential and so completely foundational that without this, DH and I wouldn't have made it through our first three years with one another.
In fact, our relationship with our Savior has brought us through a prime-time news controversy during our adoption, cancer, lawyer drama after the death of a loved one, and some significant struggles raising our hurt little boys. Jesus not only held us together, but held us up when we didn't have enough strength on our own.
2) We don't fight lightly.
When two individuals enter into marriage, they become more than they were apart. I honestly believe marriage is greater than the sum of its two parts. It's not just about you anymore; it's about US. So you have to start thinking about what's best for both of us, not just what is best for me. When we feel agitated, grumpy, frustrated, annoyed or whatever transient feeling is there -- then Ray and I often keep it to ourselves. That being said: we don't bottle it up, either. We deal with things of importance, and the things that disappear with a good night's sleep, we let go.
When there are things that are important, we don't explode on the other. We don't let it get out of hand so that we say 20 things we might regret. We don't fester about it and let our hearts turn into knots. We do, however, talk with one another with a twinge of fear, or healthy respect, for the fact that our mutual trust, respect, and love are on the line.
Dear husband and I don't always agree. No two people always do. But we also don't need to fight over someone getting home 5 minutes late, or leaving the toilet seat up. Our marriage isn't worth a fight over something so petty. I know a lot of people that hang their hat on being right. For the sake of marriage, give that up. It's better to get along, than to fight to the end and be right.
3) We apologize (and forgive).
Sometimes I will speak sharply because I'm really frustrated with something else, or someone else. Sometimes he will huff and puff from exhaustion, not irritation. But the moment we realize that we over-reacted (even if we still don't think we were wrong), we apologize for what we should have done differently. That's big. Sometimes our biggest obstacle in overcoming a disagreement is not the disagreement at all, but the hurt feelings in how we shared the problem.
4) We play together.
We refuse, intentionally, to be people who work and come home just to become roommates with divvied up chores. Every night we put away the laptops and we talk for the 10 or 15 minutes before we fall asleep. Once every 2- 3 weeks, we go on a date night where we talk and hold hands and eat and laugh. On the weekends, we do family things together: we take walks, or go sledding, or visit other family. We do it together. We're partners and we have to remember that, always.
5) We're thankful.
We thank each other. A lot.
We attempt, at any rate, not to take each other for granted. Ray did some laundry and my clothes were clean: thank you! I got the coffee pot ready for the next morning: thank you! Ray came in and dealt with the same children who were frustrating me: thank you! It means something when we help each other out. Sure, it's expected -- but if we treat each other like it's expected, then it's hard to help with a joyful heart instead of simply a dutiful heart.
There it is. My top 5 for a healthy, lasting marriage. I don't know if these things are deep secrets, but they certainly are pivotal. Ray and I do a ton of other healthy things: we eat almost all of our dinners together at the table, we call each other during the day, we're best friends, we do big chores together, we both pitch in, we both do things outside each other, and so much more. My top 5, though, are just things that I think I see a lot of other couples losing, and it breaks my heart. If you invest in one another instead of looking at the relationship based on how he or she makes you happy in the moment, then you'll have accomplished so much more than so many others. Start there.
Lately, I know a number of people, however, who have been divorced or are in the process. I know divorcees who are struggling with dating and finding their 'perfect' guy. And the irony is that Ray and I are some of the most imperfect people. We have strong, close-knit family who will vouch, not only of our strengths, but our weaknesses as well. And heaven knows that if you look at us, we aren't cover-worthy of Cosmo.
1) We love Jesus.
If you don't know Jesus, then this might seem like the silliest thing in the world. It's not that we just have a common hobby, but our love for Jesus determines not only how we spend our time, but also how we treat one another, how we perceive one another, how we see our roles in the relationship, and so much more. It's so utterly essential and so completely foundational that without this, DH and I wouldn't have made it through our first three years with one another.
In fact, our relationship with our Savior has brought us through a prime-time news controversy during our adoption, cancer, lawyer drama after the death of a loved one, and some significant struggles raising our hurt little boys. Jesus not only held us together, but held us up when we didn't have enough strength on our own.
2) We don't fight lightly.
When two individuals enter into marriage, they become more than they were apart. I honestly believe marriage is greater than the sum of its two parts. It's not just about you anymore; it's about US. So you have to start thinking about what's best for both of us, not just what is best for me. When we feel agitated, grumpy, frustrated, annoyed or whatever transient feeling is there -- then Ray and I often keep it to ourselves. That being said: we don't bottle it up, either. We deal with things of importance, and the things that disappear with a good night's sleep, we let go.
When there are things that are important, we don't explode on the other. We don't let it get out of hand so that we say 20 things we might regret. We don't fester about it and let our hearts turn into knots. We do, however, talk with one another with a twinge of fear, or healthy respect, for the fact that our mutual trust, respect, and love are on the line.
Dear husband and I don't always agree. No two people always do. But we also don't need to fight over someone getting home 5 minutes late, or leaving the toilet seat up. Our marriage isn't worth a fight over something so petty. I know a lot of people that hang their hat on being right. For the sake of marriage, give that up. It's better to get along, than to fight to the end and be right.
3) We apologize (and forgive).
Sometimes I will speak sharply because I'm really frustrated with something else, or someone else. Sometimes he will huff and puff from exhaustion, not irritation. But the moment we realize that we over-reacted (even if we still don't think we were wrong), we apologize for what we should have done differently. That's big. Sometimes our biggest obstacle in overcoming a disagreement is not the disagreement at all, but the hurt feelings in how we shared the problem.
4) We play together.
We refuse, intentionally, to be people who work and come home just to become roommates with divvied up chores. Every night we put away the laptops and we talk for the 10 or 15 minutes before we fall asleep. Once every 2- 3 weeks, we go on a date night where we talk and hold hands and eat and laugh. On the weekends, we do family things together: we take walks, or go sledding, or visit other family. We do it together. We're partners and we have to remember that, always.
5) We're thankful.
We thank each other. A lot.
We attempt, at any rate, not to take each other for granted. Ray did some laundry and my clothes were clean: thank you! I got the coffee pot ready for the next morning: thank you! Ray came in and dealt with the same children who were frustrating me: thank you! It means something when we help each other out. Sure, it's expected -- but if we treat each other like it's expected, then it's hard to help with a joyful heart instead of simply a dutiful heart.
There it is. My top 5 for a healthy, lasting marriage. I don't know if these things are deep secrets, but they certainly are pivotal. Ray and I do a ton of other healthy things: we eat almost all of our dinners together at the table, we call each other during the day, we're best friends, we do big chores together, we both pitch in, we both do things outside each other, and so much more. My top 5, though, are just things that I think I see a lot of other couples losing, and it breaks my heart. If you invest in one another instead of looking at the relationship based on how he or she makes you happy in the moment, then you'll have accomplished so much more than so many others. Start there.
